Dec 22, 2017

Christmas is just a few days away, and not only does Santa know who's been naughty or nice, but he's also getting creative with his punishments for those kids who haven't been on their best behavior...

Things Santa Brings Bad Children Instead of Coal

—Pickaxes to mine it themselves. (Matt)

—A shove into the nearest Christmas tree. (Brandon)

—The 2007 Serbian remake of Elf, a three-minute movie in which the wayward orphan protagonist quickly freezes to death. (Joe M.)

—Guitar tabs for “Feel Like Makin Love”, just in case they grow up to be Bad Company. (Jameson)

—Special Counsel Robert Mueller. (Mike)

—Natural gas, so to speak. (Joe W.)

—The two and a half feet of tangled hair Santa pulled from the shower drain the other day. (Matt)

—Let's just say he lets the reindeer "drop some presents" down the chimney. (Brandon)

—“Clean” coal. (Coal dipped in Axe body spray.). (Jameson)

—Hardbound copies of Santa's Caillou fan fiction. (Matt)

—Prancer's head in their bed. (Joe W.)

—The new GOP tax bill. (Joe M.)

—Flintstones Chewable Laxatives. (Matt)

—Appointment reminder postcards from the dentist. (Jameson)

—Adjustable rate mortgages. (Matt)

—Obstructed view tickets to the “Nickelback Presents: The Organ Solos of Ray Manzerek” show. (Mike)

—Ghost pepper toilet paper. (Matt)

—Eleven more months of Christmas music. (Joe W.)

—Triple the housing-cost-to-income ratios of their parents. (Jameson)

—Copies of the obituaries of famous racehorses. (Matt)

—Bags of David Naughton's vegetarian bacon crumbles, Fakin' Bits. (Brandon)

—The Guinness Book of World Rectums. (Matt)

—Paradoxically, the knowledge that he himself isn't real. (Joe M.)

—2018. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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