Nov 3, 2017

This week, the first indictments were handed out in the investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election that is being led by special counsel Robert Mueller. It remains unclear whether proof will be found of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, but that's not the only secret that Trump is worried might be exposed...

Real Secrets Trump Hopes Mueller's Investigation Won't Reveal

—Donny's totally crushing on Robbie–he's such a dreamboat! (Brandon)

—Once, out of desperation, he groped a 6. (Jameson)

—Barron's cocaine habit. (Matt)

—Make America Great Again was a repurposed slogan from failed "Trump Parmesan" venture. (Joe W.)

—The only thing that allows Trump to maintain an erection is looking at a photograph of Rosie O'Donnell. (Mike)

—Contrary to the frame in his Trump Tower office, he wasn't really on the cover of Ebony magazine. (Brandon)

—In 1987, the only taxes he paid were a combined 14 cents on a Twix bar and a can of Tab he bought after his New Year's Eve bender. (Matt)

—Still not entirely sure what "Russia" is. (Joe W.)

—Trump has spent the last 11 years trying to learn the theme song to Hill Street Blues on the piano but just can't get it. (Mike)

—Pence urinates in adult diapers and buries them in the Rose Garden because he considers peeing in a toilet to be a form of sexual intercourse. (Brandon)

—Most of Trump's money is tied up in the underground Precious Moments market. (Matt)

—Five DNA tests later and Tiffany is still his. (Joe W.)

—Instead of having a micropenis like everyone thinks, he actually has what is referred to in the medical science community as a "theoretical penis". (Brandon)

—Trump has colluded with Russia via foreign policy advisor George Papadopolous and Webster's George Papadopolous, played by Alex Karras. Ma'am was not a part of the collusion, but Susan Clark did pee on Trump at three separate parties at Mar-a-Lago in 2011. (Mike)

—The stuff Melania’s body double does that Melania won’t do. (Jameson)

—They still can't get the Bannon smell out of the Oval Office. (Brandon)

—He has a six million dollar mobile decontamination chamber that he goes into after every time a shakes a minority's hand. (Matt)

—The vote to get Trump into the WWE Hall of Fame wasn't totally on the level. (Joe W.)

—That he never misses an episode of NBC's Great News, and the whole reason he calls everything "fake news" is to cover up how much he loves Great News. (Brandon)

—Desperate for cash after his first bankruptcy, he did a centerfold bikini spread on the hood of Mack 4000 Diesel Semi for Long Haul Trucker Magazine. (Matt)

—Rick Perry has spent most of Trump's presidency stuck in a window that closed on him. (Brandon)

—That he's a fucking traitor who belongs in prison. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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