POOP READING
Nov 10, 2017

Everybody is familiar with the phrase "the greatest thing since sliced bread", but what we don't hear much about are the items that held the "greatest thing" title before bread came sliced...

Greatest Things Prior to Sliced Bread

—Bread. (Joe M.)

—Saving 15% on horse cart insurance. (Matt)

—Not dying of black lung. (Brandon)

—Seeing a hot chick show some sweet, sweet ankle. (Joe W.)

—Phineas Cubemiller’s Pneumatic Bread Divider. (Jameson)

—Henry Ford's Model P, the first mass produced dildo. (Matt)

—Torn-off bread hunks and balled-up bread wads. (Brandon)

—Weirdly pointy rock. (Joe W.)

—That feeling when you go swimming, and then like two hours later your ear kind of gently pops and that tiny little bit of now-body-temperature water trickles delightfully out. (Joe M.)

—Chastened wenches. (Jameson)

—The first iteration of Oreo cookies, which consisted of hardened topsoil and gelatinous bull semen. (Matt)

—Killing minorities with little or no repercussions. #MAGA (Brandon)

—Taking your sweetheart to the soda fountain for an egg cream (which meant a secret under-the-table HJ). (Joe W.)

—Spaghetti cannons. (Matt)

—Burnished peas. (Jameson)

—Oddly enough, the Wendy's Baconator. (Brandon)

—Home bloodletting kits. (Matt)

—Dat ass. (Joe M.)

—Living to the ripe old age of 39. (Brandon)

—Snorting gold dust off a prostitute's titties. (Matt)

—That glowing complexion you got in the late stages of cholera. (Joe W.)

—Sex. Duh. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Joe Wright

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