Oct 20, 2017

Sometime between now and October 26th, the National Archives is legally obligated to release the last of thousands of secret documents from government files about the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy, most of them from the CIA, FBI, and the Justice Department. We have obtained a sneak peek at the documents, and let's just say there are more than a few unexpected details...

Surprises Found in the Declassified Kennedy Assassination Records

—Lee Harvey Oswald was actually three different male assassins, we've just always referred to them by their first names, like BeyoncĂ©. (Brandon)

—"The Magic Bullet" was JFK's nickname for his penis. (Joe M.)

—Kennedy actually died the night before from choking on a chicken bone, but his handlers felt that wasn't a very presidential way to die, so they "Weekend at Bernie'd" him until the motorcade. (Matt)

—Han shot second?! (Joe W.)

—Probably a coincidence, but every single woman in Dealey Plaza that day was a Mormon. (Jameson)

—Oliver Stone killed JFK. (Mike)

—For decades, prime grassy knoll suspect was beloved sports mascot the San Diego Chicken. (Brandon)

—The assassination was the only non-girl-on-girl film that Abraham Zapruder ever shot. (Joe M.)

—Oswald had written a screenplay that was almost word-for-word the plot of WALL-E. (Matt)

—Kennedy's dying wish was to be portrayed by Jeffrey Donovan from TV's Burn Notice. (Jameson)

—A low-ranking justice department official predicted that avocado toast would "become a thing." (Mike)

—Oswald had a private email server in his house. (Joe W.)

—For some reason, Governor Connelly was straight up jackin' it in the front seat of the limo. (Brandon)

—Oswald was actually aiming at limousine driver William Greer, who the previous night in a Dallas bar told Oswald that he "had something on his shirt" and then booped Oswald's nose when he looked down to see what it was. (Joe M.)

—What many people thought was the sound of a gun shot coming from the grassy knoll was actually just a loud fart from a nearby park bench. (Matt)

—The guys performing the autopsy on JFK totally wasted ten minutes moving his mouth with their hands and doing impressions of him saying wacky stuff in the "Kennedy voice". (Jameson)

—Most of the FBI internal memos related to the assassination were just field agents from different parts of the country sharing paella recipes. (Mike)

—Oswald acted alone.*
(*in a one-man off-off-Broadway show in 1959 with a very short run.) (Joe W.)

—Jack Ruby shot Oswald because Oswald wouldn't stop revealing spoilers on live TV about War Is Hell, the movie he was watching while hiding out from Dallas Police right before his arrest. (Brandon)

—There's a whole section on the murder of Arlene Kennedy from Piedmont, Ohio. Probably unrelated, but it might be a good idea to get those files back to the local PD so they can see about finding her killer. (Jameson)

—All of the Secret Service agents assigned to the Kennedy detail went out the night before and had fun, yet suspiciously none of them Wanged Chung. (Joe M.)

—JFK's last words were, "I'll bet my life on the Minnesota Vikings becoming NFL champions." (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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