Sep 29, 2017

This week, the Center for Disease Control announced that the number of Americans diagnosed with chlamydia, gonorrhea or syphilis reached a record high in 2016 for the second year in a row, with more than two million cases reported. Cases of these three sexually transmitted diseases have been increasing nationally since 2014, reversing a downward trend that began in 2006. Health officials say the rates reflect decreasing condom usage, a lack of awareness about STDs among doctors and patients, and a falling number of STD clinics, but those aren't the only reasons...

Other Reasons Americans Are Contracting More STDs Than Ever Before

—Pussy grabbing is up 45% since November. (Joe W.)

—New STD-Os cereal has been a surprise hit. (Jameson)

—It's probably that son of a bitch Colin Kapernick's fault. (Matt)

—Thought "STD" stood for "Servings of TurDucken." (Joe M.)

—Trump brand condoms are made of tremendous, tremendous material that never breaks, believe me. (Mike)

—The looming threat of nuclear holocaust makes STDs seem quaint. (Tenessa)

—Probably shouldn't have had sex with the new Taco Bell quesarito. (Brandon)

—It turns out that millenials' parents' basements are sexy AF. (Joe W.)

—All the clean hookers are too busy testifying in Anthony Weiner trials, forcing johns to roll the dice on whoever’s left. (Jameson)

—When you have virtual sex with someone who has syphillis, you still receive it in the mail to contract via the honor system. (Matt)

—We were watching Property Brothers with some drifters and got carried away. (Mike)

—I seen on the news where you can get a virus from them computers. I reckon the nekkid lady movies they got on there is to blame. (Joe M.)

—Pastor says it doesn't count as sex if we don't tell my parents. (Tenessa)

—Sharp rise in juvenile gonorrhea ever since Mr. T said it was cool. (Matt)

—To get ahold of those sweet, sweet opioids. (Joe W.)

—Forgetting to hose down the sex robot between uses. (Jameson)

—Wanted to have some exciting material for my blog. (Mike)

—A lot of people are just emerging from their Y2K shelters, and they're all looking to bang pretty much anyone who has a pulse. (Matt)

—Sudden revival of the hottest teen craze of 2017: French-kissing police horses. (Brandon)

—Mexicans probably somehow. (Joe M.)

—You ever played Six Degrees of Charlie Sheen's Penis? There's your answer. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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