Aug 25, 2017

This week, Chuck E. Cheese's announced that they are phasing out their long-time animatronic animal music performers, Munch's Make Believe Band, which consisted of Chuck E. Cheese (vocals), Helen Henny (vocals), Mr. Munch (keyboard and vocals), Jasper T. Jowls (guitar and vocals), and Pasqually E. Pieplate (drums). The official company line is that they are trying to modernize, but rumor has it there was some behind the scenes drama...

Real Reasons Munch's Make Believe Band Broke Up

—Instrumentalists were concerned that Chuck couldn't lay off the sauce. (Joe W.)

—Drunken, belligerent stepdads were prone to throwing chunks of uneaten sheet cake at the performers at a rate that exceeded the limits of the maintenance budget. (Jameson)

—Bandmates couldn't stand Chuck E. Cheese's new chicken girlfriend, Yolk-o Ono. (Joe M.)

—Poor sales of their most recent album, "Supreme Pizza, Supreme Race". (Brandon)

—With no bass player, it was unclear who was at the bottom of the pecking order. (Mike)

—Dave & Buster's offered better health benefits. (Matt)

—Everyone was sick of cleaning up Chuck's droppings on the tour bus. (Dan)

—Got tired of watching a drunk Mr. Munch hit on moms in the audience and suggest that they go "where an adult can be an adult." (Joe W.)

—Their record label wanted to book them on a cruise ship tour, and they were afraid the salt air would rust their faces off. (Jameson)

—Found out Jasper T. Jowls had been secretly funneling a chunk of the band's profits to Venezuelan rebels for the last seven years. (Brandon)

—Lingering tensions from a disastrous "key party" that Mr. Munch and Helen Henny attended with Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham. (Mike)

—You can only get paid in prize tickets for so long before you need to get a day job. (Joe W.)

—Advancements in A.I. made some of the band members self-aware, and they began writing some seriously depressing songs. (Jameson)

—Management's inexplicable decision to turn them into a Limp Bizkit cover band. (Brandon)

—Pasqually E. Pieplate was trained at the Le Cordon Bleu Academy in France, and was a chef at the Vatican. How long did you expect him to play drums in a two-bit puppet band?? (Matt)

—Audiences were getting creepily full of "furries". (Jameson)

—Constant complaints from fans who came expecting to see Richard Belzer. (Joe W.)

—Chuck E. Cheese was tired of the band being named after the keyboard player, but no one was on board with the renaming the group, "Chuck Stringcheese and the E. Cheese Band". (Mike)

—Trump gave their jobs to coal workers whose jobs were given to assembly line laborers who'd been replaced by automation, in a three-way swap that resulted in a net loss of 4,500 jobs, a taxpayer bill for $15 million, and a solid week of positive coverage on Fox and Friends. (Jameson)

—Management ignored repeated requests to try booking bigger venues. Or smaller venues. Or literally any other venue. (Joe W.)

—Made the mistake of claiming they were "bigger than pizza". (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner, Joe Wright

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