POOP READING
Jul 14, 2017

A recent study by Stanford University researchers using step-counters installed in most smartphones to track the walking activity of about 700,000 people in 46 countries around the world found that the United States was one of the countries with a higher number of people who walked very little. So why aren't we getting enough steps?

Reasons Americans Aren't Walking as Much as They Should

—Too busy strutting. (Mike)

—Far easier to shuffle, lope, or traipse. (Jameson)

—Don't need to get up to eat dinner anymore, thanks to Kenmore's new Fridge-a-pult™! (Joe)

—The newest hipster trend of foot binding isn't very conducive to walking. (Matt)

—Many are using the new app Piggy, which lets you pay to ride on the back of someone who's already walking in the direction you want to go. (Brandon)

—Fuck you! That's why. (Mike)

—World-leading American innovation in the field of "keeping things within arm's reach". (Jameson)

—Well, at first you think that every step takes you one step further from the TV, which is bad enough, but really you also have to walk back to the TV, so every step actually takes you two steps further from the TV. (Joe)

—Might have to make eye contact with their neighbors. (Matt)

—Pretty sure they saw a bee outside. (Brandon)

—Walked the Appalachian Trail in 2009, were creepily propositioned by a disheveled Mark Sanford, never walked again. (Jameson)

—You could walk around the circumference of the Earth twice and you still wouldn't look as good as Liam from One Direction, so why bother? (Joe)

—Unable to walk after both legs accidentally chopped off while rehearsing a chainsaw juggling act. (Jameson)

—Masturbating while driving is much more discreet than masturbating while walking. (Matt)

—After seeing the growth of self-driving car technology, they are waiting for self-walking legs. (Mike)

—Started walking, had to troubleshoot step-counting smartphone app, ended up driving to the Apple Store to get app fixed, gave up and spent the afternoon in a Baskin Robbins. (Jameson)

—Why on earth would any sane person walk... when they could be skipping?!? (Joe)

—Trump still blames stuff on Obama. So, Obama? (Matt)

—Constant fear of wolf attacks stoked by watching CNN's Wolf Alert! with Wolf Blitzer. (Brandon)

—Pokémon Go came out over a year ago... what are we supposed to do, still care about it?! (Jameson)

—These boots aren't made for walking. (Matt)

—Because we have cars! We're not stupid! (Dan)

—That part at the end of WALL-E where everyone is sitting in comfy chairs endlessly watching TV and eating tasty snacks? Yeah, we'd like to get there as soon as possible. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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