POOP READING
Jun 16, 2017

This Sunday, June 18th, is Father's Day, and with it comes the opportunity to celebrate your dad in many different ways, some less common than others...

Lesser-Known Father's Day Traditions

—Playing Fart or Shart? (Mike)

—Leering at a bosomy Applebee's waitress in full view of your disgusted wife. (Joe)

—The annual measuring of Dad's penis circumference for the family newsletter. (Jameson)

—The Running of the Bulls... 1991 NBA Championship DVD from the box in the attic to the DVD player in the basement. (Brandon)

—Guessing how many times he masturbated over the previous year and then coming up with names for all of the brothers and sisters you could've had. (Matt)

—Taking Dad to Six Flags and reenacting that time you peed on him in the roller coaster line when you were eight. (Joe)

—Just for one day a year, keeping your mouth shut for four minutes so Dad can watch the entire weather segment of the local news uninterrupted. (Jameson)

—Pretending like Dad can still beat you at basketball. (Matt)

—Everyone wears tan cargo shorts and an old T-shirt featuring a defunct band, out-of-circulation sports logo, or brewery you've never heard of. (Mike)

—Remembering something Dad likes from all the stuff he told you about while you were watching TV or looking at your phone. (Jameson)

—Beverly Hills 90210 marathon! (Matt)

—Everyone in the family has to open jars and turn off lights in empty rooms of the house while also mowing the lawn. (Brandon)

—"Pasta Barfing", which is easily as unpleasant as it sounds, and twice as illegal. (Jameson)

—A one-day pass to be able to talk about which Thundercat he would have sex with if, you know, "things were different." (Matt)

—The annual "Who Loves Me Most?" single-elimination Indian leg wrestling tournament between the wife and kids. (Joe)

—Grabbing a copy of Father's Day from the DVD shelf, stomping it to pieces, and putting it into a giant bonfire. (Jameson)

—Making notches on the doorway every year to measure how much dad's balls have sagged. (Matt)

—The all-day pun-off. (Mike)

—Talking about how much you want to pork your own daughter (current U.S. presidents only). (Joe)

—A bed made out of breakfast! (Matt)

—The annual reminding of the Gmail password. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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