Jun 23, 2017

This week Mattel began selling new versions of its long-standing Barbie doll companion Ken, including two new body types dubbed “slim” and “broad”, six new molded hairstyles, including cornrows and a man bun, and seven skin tones. But some of the new variations aren't selling as well as others...

Least Popular Versions of the New Ken Doll

—Constantly Forwarding Conspiracy Theory Emails Ken (Mike)

—Replacement Star Wars Director Ken (Jameson)

—Subway Masturbator Ken (Brandon)

—Can't Be Trusted to Make Even One Fucking Doctor's Appointment for the Goddamn Kids Ken (Mike)

—Excluded from Wonder Woman Screening Ken (Jameson)

—Pockets Full of Ground Beef Ken (Brandon)

—Ken Burns (Named not for the preeminent documentarian, but for the fact that an STD makes it sting when he goes to the bathroom) (Joe)

—Grossly Unqualified Cabinet Appointee Ken (Jameson)

—Leaving Mom for Jeanette in Accounting Ken (Mike)

—Won't Shut Up About the Time He Met Eli Manning Ken (Brandon)

—Inside-Out Ken (Comes with detachable organs!) (Jameson)

—Needs Some Time to Find Himself Ken (Mike)

—Shouldn't Have Eaten Those Questionable Leftovers Ken (Brandon)

—"Thoughts and Prayers" Ken (Jameson)

—Nailing Teen Time Skipper on the Side Ken (Mike)

—Really Into Caroline in the City for Some Reason Ken (Brandon)

—Pre-Existing Condition Ken (Jameson)

—Doesn't Even Own a TV Anymore Ken (Mike)

—Still Doing Jim Breuer Characters Ken (Jameson)

—Up to Pee at 3am Ken (Brandon)

—Some Assembly Required Ken (Just a little plastic sperm cell and ovum) (Jameson)

—#MAGA Ken (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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