Baron von Funny


May 26, 2017

This week, the National Football League announced that it has relaxed the rules regarding player touchdown celebrations, responding to widespread criticism over penalties and fines that targeted harmless and spontaneous displays of emotion. However, commissioner Roger Goodell added that offensive demonstrations, celebrations that are prolonged and delay the game, and those directed at an opponent, will still be penalized, and then went on to list some specific examples...

Ways to Celebrate a Touchdown That Are Still Banned Under the NFL's Revised Celebration Rules

—Forming a human centipede. (Brandon)

—Kneeling down while playing a recording of the national anthem. (Jameson)

—Placing a bunch of footballs on the ground in a formation that, when viewed from above, resembles a depiction of the Prophet Muhammad. (Joe)

—Impregnating a woman, waiting nine months, and then delivering the baby in the end zone. (Matt)

—Grabbing a cheerleader by the pussy. (Mike)

—Taunting the family of the pig that was killed to make the football. (Dan)

—Making sweet love to a cardboard cutout of Roger Goodell. (Wait, that was the actual Roger Goodell??) (Brandon)

—Any use of a T-shirt cannon that has been modified to fire smallpox blankets. (Jameson)

—Giving a Grammy acceptance speech. (Matt)

—Reading aloud from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. (Brandon)

—Standing up tall and unfurling a scroll with the revised celebration rules on it, then reading them in a loud town crier voice. (Jameson)

—Fabled Green Bay Packers "Lambeau Leap" is allowed; controversial Chicago Bears "Soldier Field Splooge" is not. (Joe)

—Handing out a map of your electoral college victory. (Mike)

—Changing into a referee uniform and then flagging yourself for an excessive celebration penalty. (Brandon)

—Pulling out a phone and showing highlights from the World Series without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. (Matt)

—Grabbing a microphone and explaining the theory of evolution to the crowd (Kansas City Chiefs home games only). (Brandon)

—Taking the time to fax a taunt to the defensive player who failed to prevent you from scoring. (Jameson)

—Pretending to accept a congratulatory phone call from the President. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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