May 12, 2017

This week, President Donald Trump fired FBI director James Comey, suggesting that his handling of Hillary Clinton's emails during the election damaged the credibility of the Bureau. But there has also been speculation that the decision might also have something to do with the fact that Comey was leading an investigation to determine whether associates of Trump may have coordinated with Russia to interfere with the election, and really, these explanations only scratch the surface of the hidden truth...

Real Reasons Trump Fired James Comey

—Found out Comey wasn't related to him. (Joe)

—Comey refused to set up spy cameras in the Miss Universe dressing rooms. (Mike)

—Got fooled by one of those Female Breast Inspector hats and decided he wanted the position of FBI Director for himself. (Brandon)

—On several occasions, Comey was unable to successfully rap all of the lyrics to "Ice, Ice Baby" in time to the song while Trump danced. (Matt)

—To impress Jodie Foster. (Joe)

—Comey wouldn't stop making Yakov Smirnov "In Soviet Russia..." jokes. (Brandon)

—Trump was hoping to do something so spectacularly awful that "a-Lago" replaces "gate" as the media's go-to scandal suffix. (Mike)

—Comey refused to "kiss the acorn," which is when people who meet Trump for the first time have to kiss his tiny, acorn-tip penis. (Matt)

—Trump initially misread his name as James Comely, only to become increasingly disappointed that he wasn't actually all that good-looking. (Joe)

—Comey said Beyonce's Lemonade was overrated. (Mike)

—Someone keeps shitting in the drawers of Trump's desk in the Oval Office, so he's gonna keep firing people until he identifies the culprit through the process of elimination, which should only take a couple years. (Brandon)

—Comey just couldn't get the PB to J ratio right. (Matt)

—Comey refused to pay tuition to enroll in Trump University's "Advanced FBI Studies" course. (Brandon)

—You'd never think this, coming from a guy whose famous catchphrase was "you're fired," but he fires lots of people. (Joe)

—He's an incompetent, dangerous dipshit. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Mike Wagner

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