May 5, 2017

After a widely reported incident in which United Airlines employees, assisted by Chicago Police, forcibly removed a passenger from an overbooked flight in order to free up some seats for their staff, it has been announced that the airline has reached a legal settlement with the injured passenger. While the terms of the settlement prevent the release of any specifics regarding what each side agreed to do, our crack team of researchers has obtained the surprising details…

Provisions in United’s Undisclosed Settlement with the Guy They Threw Off Their Plane

—"Having your face caved in on an armrest because you thought your pathetic ass was so important they wouldn't dare toss you off a plane" is now considered a pre-existing condition. (Joe)

—He gets to place one snake on the United flight of his choice, no questions asked, once a year. (Mike)

—Dr. Dao and ten of his friends are eligible for free first-class transportation to Chicago every fall to attend United's annual unveiling of the new year's preposterous on-board snack prices. (Jameson)

—$86 specifically to pay for the eight Guns N' Roses discs he stole from Pawn America six years ago. (Matt)

—United must change the company slogan to "Fly the Friendly Because We Don't Want Our Stock Price to Plummet Again Skies". (Brandon)

—He gets a free pass to fly United any time he wants, and if his preferred flight is booked, he can choose one passenger to beat mercilessly before taking their seat. (Jameson)

—The next time he is dragged off a flight against his will, the flight attendants will make sure his shirt doesn't ride up, exposing his belly button. (Mike)

—United has to take out ads in all major city newspapers saying "Just so you know, if you're someone other than a middle-aged Asian guy there's a decent chance that starting a fight with a bunch of cops won't end up with you getting millions of dollars." (Joe)

—If he's ever on a United flight where the in-flight movie is The Princess Bride, he has the right to get up and do all the Billy Crystal lines in sync with the film. (Jameson)

—From now on, he not only gets a seat for himself, but also one for his ventriloquist dummy, Mr. Jinks: the sexist, racist, alcoholic who likes to make off-color remarks about everyone around him! (Brandon)

—You know those people who record smug, aloof outgoing voicemail messages, like they're too good for the same dull script we all use? The ones that always end with something like, "You know what to do"? $250k from United to establish a task force to root those people out and abandon them at sea. (Jameson)

—Dr. Dao gets to pilot and "Sully" one flight of his choosing. (Brandon)

—ISIS threw in a high-ranking position in the worldwide caliphate that his existence, behavior, and notoriety both portends and enables. (Joe)

—He's on the short list to host NBC's reality show The Runway Ref, in which passenger/airline disputes are hashed out by comedians. (Jameson)

—He gets to be the quarterback for the Vikings this season. (Matt)

—His kid's punk band gets to record a new cover of Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" to replace the original in all future United commercials and in-flight videos. (Jameson)

—Pretty sure he's gonna get some free peanuts and pretzels out of the deal. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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