POOP READING
Mar 10, 2017

A study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior has found that Americans are having sex less frequently than they did a generation ago. Some possible causes include increased access to entertainment and social media, higher incidence of depression, and use of anti-depressants associated with sexual dysfunction. But those aren't the only issues causing problems in the bedroom...

Other Reasons Americans Are Having Less Sex Than They Used To

—Much too busy masturbating to previous editions of the Archives of Sexual Behavior. (Matt)

—Worried that the CIA is listening. (Mike)

—They spend most of the week in Washington, DC while their wife has chosen to stay in Manhattan. (Joe)

—It's well known that the Greatest Generation constantly lied about how often they banged. (Jameson)

—Are you familiar with Americans' kids? (Brandon)

—Sudden realization that sex involves people's pee pee parts. (Dan)

—Just because Trump made America great again, it doesn't mean he suddenly made your husband great at sex. (Matt)

—Much more fun to send dick pics to strangers on Twitter. (Anthony Weiner only. Well, probably not only.) (Mike)

—Still bummed out over the untimely passing of Telly Savalas. (Joe)

—Working three jobs to achieve the earnings-to-home-prices ratio their parents had. (Jameson)

—Ate the whole pie again. :( (Brandon)

—If I didn't know better, I'd think that the ubiquity of machines offering free instant access to depictions of one's wildest sexual fantasies might have at least a tiny bit to do with it. (Joe)

—There's a new Netflix series like every fucking week. These things don't binge watch themselves! (Jameson)

—Saving themselves for jet pack sex. (Brandon)

—It's not that there's less sex per se, it's that bagel humping hasn't been recognized as a legitimate form of sex. (Matt)

—Have given up trying to stay fit enough to attract a partner; easier to set up the La-Z-Boy next to the front door so they can alternate between masturbating and signing for pizza deliveries. (Jameson)

—Sex is so 2016; 2017 is all about ramming your genitals against lampposts. (Brandon)

—Following the lead of the president, they have stopped living with their spouses and have started seeking out golden showers from Russian hookers. (Mike)

—Just "really busy with some stuff" lately. (Jameson)

—Keep picturing Gregory Peck's stern, disapproving face at the worst possible time. (Brandon)

—I mean... (Joe)

—Have been holding out for the repeal and replacement of Obamacare, so they can have medically risky uninsured/underinsured sex. So hot. (Brandon)

—Most popular song a generation ago: Love the One You're With, Stephen Stills.
Most popular song last year: Love Yourself, Justin Bieber. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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