Feb 10, 2017

This week, 50 Shades Darker, the sequel to 50 Shades of Grey, hit theaters, hoping, just like the first movie, to appeal to Valentine's Day audiences. But for many couples, the sequel's "darkness" doesn't meet up to their standards...

Valentine's Day Plans for Couples Who Feel 50 Shades Darker Isn't Dark Enough

—Ouija threesome. (Matt)

—Role-playing Seal Team Six with night-vision goggles in the bedroom. (Jameson)

—Dimming the lights and reading the full text of President Trump's recent executive orders. (Joe)

—During sex, loudly referring to one's penis as "crooked Hillary." (Mike)

—A screening of Requiem for a Dream while lovingly applying leaches to each other's genitals. (Brandon)

—Reading aloud from their fan fiction, 50 Shades Even Darker: 2 Dark, 2 Darkest. (Dan)

—Not just bondage sex, bondage bondage sex. (Tie up the handcuffs and rope with leather straps and whip them while your partner watches, fully clothed, from the sofa.) (Jameson)

—Not just butt stuff; "butt stuffing." It's a Thanksgiving-related fetish we don't really want to get into here. (Joe)

—A romantic walk in the park, randomly sucker-punching other couples. (Brandon)

—Living inside an elk carcass until St. Patrick's Day. (Jameson)

—A literal blood bath. (Matt)

—Putting it in places where she doesn't like you to put it (like her ear or her sister). (Jameson)

—Open the box of leftovers from the restaurant they went to last Valentine's Day–the box that has been sitting in the back of the fridge for a year–and re-enact that scene from 9 1/2 Weeks. (Mike)

—Watching The Dark Crystal while eating dark chocolate with the lights off during a lunar eclipse. (Jameson)

—Guzzling a fifth of Wild Turkey and diving headlong into alt-right Twitter. (Joe)

—Netflix and kill. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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