Feb 3, 2017

On Thursday, famous Pennsylvania groundhog Punxsutawney Phil looked for his shadow and made his annual prediction about the arrival of spring. But Phil doesn't limit his awesome prognosticating powers to just the weather...

Other Predictions Made by Punxsutawney Phil

—The fake news media will claim that the Russians helped him see his shadow. Sad! (Brandon)

—Budweiser will continue its dominance over Bud Light in the Bud Bowl. (Matt)

—Grown men will giggle each time the Super Bowl announcers mention Tom Brady's deflated balls. (Mike)

—Six more weeks 'til nuclear winter. (Jameson)

—That thing on your shoulder is nothing. It couldn't hurt to get it looked at, but it's nothing. (Joe)

—George W. Bush will keep looking better and better. (Dan)

—The Langdons' housewarming party is going to drag on for-fucking-ever. (Tenessa)

—Expects another year of not getting any from Punxsutawney Phyllis. (Jameson)

—Hipsters are going to popularize armpit temperature-taking. (Matt)

—Barb from accounting is never going to pull the trigger on her divorce. (Mike)

Groundhog Day still won't be given the retroactive Best Original Screenplay Oscar it so richly deserved. (Brandon)

—The last five years before the sun burns out are going to be the best five years ever. (Jameson)

—The next Star Wars movie will finally turn a profit. (Dan)

—By 2050, all doctors will be robots, and all robots will be flamboyantly gay. (Jameson)

—2023's breakout hit movie: Anne Frank, Nazi Hunter (Matt)

—You are totally going to gain the weight back. (Mike)

—The next James Bond will be Christian Bale, and the next Batman will be Roger Moore. (Jameson)

—Pats 29, Falcons 24 (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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