POOP READING
Feb 24, 2017

With the 89th Academy Awards ceremony coming up this Sunday, Hollywood has been engulfed in a Oscar campaign war, as PR departments try to pimp their nominated talent and films while taking shots at the competition, hoping to somehow win over undecided voters...

Campaign Slogans For and Against the 2016 Oscar Nominees

—Hey, You Know Who Really, Really Needs Another Award? Lin-Manuel Miranda (Joe)

—Vote for Iran's The Salesman for Best Foreign Language Film–This Might Be the Last Year We Have a Foreign Language Category! Or an Iran! (Jameson)

—Hidden Figures? Who Wants to Watch a Movie About Spanx? (Dan)

—Listen, I'm Sure She's Great in Loving, But No One's Gonna Wanna Read Best Actress Nominee Ruth Negga's Name Out Loud If She Wins (Except Mel Gibson) (Brandon)

—If You Didn't Write in a Vote for Emma Stone for Best Supporting Actress in Superbad, Now's Your Time to Right That Wrong, Asshole! (Matt)

—TITS! Now That We've Got Your Attention, Vote for Lion Cinematographer Greig Fraser! (Joe)

—4.1 Miles Was This Year's Best Movie About the Walk From Your Arrival Gate to Your Departure Gate at O'Hare (Jameson)

—We're Pretty Sure That If You Don't Vote for Michael Shannon, He Will Do Stuff to Your Family (Brandon)

—Love Larson for Best Makeup??? Fuck That Guy! (Dan)

—Sully Was Just People Yelling "Ah, Shit! We're Crashing!" for Two Hours, But By All Means, Let's Give It Best Sound Editing (Jameson)

—"More Like Kubo and the Gay Strings. More Like The Red Turd-le. More Like Ho-ana. More Like Poo-topia." (The Head of Marketing at the Studio Behind Best Animated Feature Contender My Life as a Zucchini Has Been, Well, Going Through Some Stuff.) (Joe)

—O.J.: Made in America Was Actually Made in China! (Brandon)

—Hacksaw Ridge: Oscar-Worthy Movie, or Secret Location of Mel Gibson's Human Sacrifice Rituals? (Matt)

—Vote Justin Timberlake for Best Song! (John Travolta: You May Write in "Jason Tramblezeem") (Jameson)

—If You Don't Already Associate the Name Kevin O'Connell with Fine, Quality Sound Mixing By Now, Then I Guess I've Just Been Wasting My Life (Brandon)

—Psst... Hey Racists... You Kind of Have to Vote for a Black Movie This Year, But It Can Be the O.J. One (Joe)

—You Know What I Thought When I First Walked Out of Suicide Squad? "Man, That Was Some Awesome Makeup and Hairstyling!" I Mean, First I Thought, "I Hope I'm the Random Target of a Car Bombing in the Parking Lot So I Can Forget That Movie as Quickly as Possible," But Then I Thought That Other Thing (Jameson)

—Clearly Someone Slipped the Name Bub Asman into Sound Editing as a Joke (Brandon)

—Trey Gowdy Paid You a Lot of Money to Vote for 13 Hours: the Secret Soldiers of Benghazi—Don't Back Out Now! (Jameson)

—If You Don't Vote Hail, Caesar! for Best Production Design, It Will Be the Most Misguided, Destructive, and Historically Consequential Decision That Any Group of Voters Has Made in the Past Four Months (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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