Dec 9, 2016

This week, in a poll from Gallup-Healthways, Americans age 55 and older scored higher on a survey of well-being than did their younger counterparts. So what's their secret to happiness?

Reasons Old People Are Happier

—Finally cashing in on that sweet, sweet FICA money. (Brandon)

—Mario Lopez. Five. Nights. A. Week. (Matt)

—They don't go out in public much. 75% of misery is interacting with other people. (Jameson)

—Even if it never happened, it was at one point technically possible for them to have banged Marilyn Monroe. (Joe)

—Hey, I think we'd all be happier if it were socially acceptable to shit your pants. (Tenessa)

—Plenty of time to Netflix and chill (failing to connect Netflix to your wi-fi while turning the thermostat down to 80). (Brandon)

—Took the survey at 4:30 a.m. with a tummy full of warm oatmeal. It's peaceful and nobody else is up—of course they're happy. (Jameson)

—Every time they sit down, young men take it for granted that they won't squish their own pendulous, dangling testicles; when old men sit down and it doesn't happen, it's worth celebrating. (Joe)

—Standards for sexual prowess lowered to point where still being able to do it pretty much makes you a rock star. (Brandon)

—They aren't the ones waiting in supermarket lines for 15 minutes while someone writes a check for a packet of batteries. The logjam is a lot less frustrating when you're causing it. (Jameson)

—Since old people's children are generally in their 30s and 40s, they are fully capable of actually PUTTING ON THEIR FUCKING SHOES SO WE CAN GET IN THE CAR AND GO. (Joe)

—More years means more macaroni and cheese consumed. (Tenessa)

—Turn signal is always on in their car, saving valuable time and effort when they need to turn. (Jameson)

—Didn't have to grow up with any of this Twilight bullshit. (Joe)

—Many older women have reached the point where their breasts hang low enough and their pants sit high enough that a simple tuck means no more bra! (Matt)

—Sure, signing in to websites is a nine-step process to reset their password every single time. But they don't have to remember any passwords! (Jameson)

—Life is so much easier when nobody expects you to smell decent. (Joe)

—Better than average chance they won't have to suffer through all four years of the Trump administration. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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