POOP READING
Dec 2, 2016

A new study by the CDC found that 35% of American adults are not getting enough sleep on a regular basis, failing to meet the 7-hour minimum recommended for people ages 18-60. So what's behind this lack of slumber?

Reasons Americans Are Not Getting Enough Sleep

—Can never remember which one is Mary-Louise Parker and which one is Mary Stuart Masterson. (Tenessa)

—Can't snarf down an embarrassing amount of cookies until everyone else goes to bed. (Mike)

—The painful, three-hour-and-59-minute wait to determine if their erection requires medical attention. (Brandon)

—Too busy looking for work after being fired from previous jobs for wasting company time googling "How to prevent your job being outsourced to China". (Jameson)

—Countless nights getting sucked into reading archived editions of TV Guide. (Matt)

—That Courtney Thorne-Smith Cold Plasma Sub-D infomercial where she's slowly rubbing on eye makeup in a bathrobe only airs at 3:00 a.m. and I don't have a DVR. Er, I mean, they don't have a DVR. Americans don't have a DVR. That's why they're up at that hour. (Joe)

—Plagued with worry over the underqualified candidate Trump put forward to head the U.S. Department of Sleep. (Jameson)

—Keep suddenly picturing Ken Burns having an orgasm right as they're about to drift off. (Brandon)

—Shifty Mexicans sneaking across the border and sleeping on Americans' behalf. (Jameson)

—Unable to shake off the deeply troubling footage of Minnesota Vikings football they've been repeatedly exposed to on national TV this season. (Brandon)

—They aren't getting their daily recommended allowances of pasta and Benadryl. (Tenessa)

—Their sleep-tracking app keeps waking them up with alerts reminding them to get more sleep. (Jameson)

—Small percentage are simply huge, deeply literal Tom Hanks fans who happen to live in the Seattle area. (Brandon)

—The average taco contains 35mg of caffeine, and the average American contains 25-30 tacos. (Jameson)

—Not all that tired after spending so much time sleeping while texting while driving. (Brandon)

—Midnight airings of Murder, She Wrote are leaving people too jacked-up on Lansbury to sleep. (Mike)

—Listen, we're gonna get enough sleep OR drink enough water. It's not gonna be both. (Jameson)

—Probably shouldn't have installed that air horn in the grandfather clock. (Brandon)

—They'll sleep when they're dead! (Which, given the recent election results, will undoubtedly be sometime in mid-to-late 2017.) (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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