Poop Reading - 2016 NFL Picks

POOP READING

2016 NFL Picks - Week 9

by Joe Mulder

Busy week for me, I'll knock these picks out real quick.

Last Week: 8-4. Would have been even better but I just forgot to pick the Patriots/Bills game.

Overall: 52-44-5

THURSDAY NIGHT:

Falcons (-4.5) @ BUCCANEERS

Oops. I'm convinced that the Falcons are good now, at least.

SUNDAY EARLY:

Lions @ VIKINGS (-6)

Vikings offensive coordinator Norv Turner resigned this week. I've been making fun of him and his terrible game plans for three years ("I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better game plan than Norv Turner," "There are episodes of 'Bar Rescue' that are more unpredictable than a Norv Turner offense," "Hey, if it worked in the early '90s with Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin and a bunch of Pro Bowl linemen, why wouldn't it work with the 2016 Vikings?"), but now that he's gone I kind of feel like a kid who wished his parents into the garbage disposal, only to have that wish granted by a magic Jack-in-the-box or whatever. I'm not sure I really wanted this!

We'll see. If the Vikings win they're kind of back on track; if they lose, we Vikings fans can stop worrying about whether or not they'll win the Super Bowl – because it would be obvious that they can't – and start worrying about whether or not they'll make the playoffs.

Steelers @ RAVENS (-2.5)

If any quarterback wouldn't need knees, it would be Ben Roethlisberger. The guy's a cyborg.

But quarterbacks need knees.

Jets @ DOLPHINS (-3.5)

Speaking of quarterbacks with knees…

Ryan Tannehill isn't that great, but he can run, which makes him occasionally valuable in fantasy football. He always ends up on one of my teams every year as a bye week fill-in, and I've got to say, it's nice to be with you again, Ryan Tannehill! The Jets D is terrible against the pass so this could go well.

There's also always one random NFL player every year who rewards the fantasy owner who had enough dumb luck to keep him on the roster not because he was any good but because he was technically a starter, and you need all the starters you can get. We might need to make an annual trophy for that player, and name it after Jay Ajayi.

COWBOYS (-7) @ Browns

You can hardly say "poor Cleveland" anymore after the Cavs came back from the brink to beat the winningest team ever and the Indians played out of their minds for a month even though everybody was injured, but you can still say "poor Browns fans."

Poor Browns fans.

Jaguars @ CHIEFS (-7)

I recorded "The Good Place" to be my treadmill show. And since I finally started using my treadmill again, I finally started watching "The Good Place." There was a scene in which a DJ from Jacksonville and his buddy were going to toss a Molotov cocktail onto a rival DJ's boat, and before the guy threw the bottle he yelled, "Bortles!"

That alone earned "The Good Place" at least another three episodes from me.

EAGLES @ Giants (-2.5)

There may be a famous American who is more accomplished and at the same time gives of the impression of being less impressive than Eli Manning, but I can't think if who it would be. He's won multiple Super Bowls, he's made multiple Pro Bowls, he gave the best performance by an athlete in any single sketch in "Saturday Night Live" history, and yet when you look at him you can't help but just think "DURRRRR."

SUNDAY LATE:

PANTHERS (-3) @ Rams

When you have to double-check the line to make sure it's not a misprint, you probably feel pretty good about your pick. And I do.

Saints (-4) @ 49ERS [never mind; see below]

I'm not sure how or why anyone would think they could trust the Saints on the road. The 49ers are bad, but are they that bad?

Actually I think they kind of are. I'm changing my pick.

SAINTS (-4) @ 49ers

Titans @ CHARGERS (-4)

By now my reader(s?) know how I feel about the Chargers. Bet the "over" on all of their games. This week the over/under is 47. The Titans have scored 30, 28, 26, and 36 in their last four, and the Chargers have only been held under 30 on time all season by anybody but the Broncos. This is the sports gambling trend of the century and apparently I'm the only one who's picking up on it. And I don't bet on sports except in Vegas during the NFL Divisional Playoffs, so it's a shame nobody's making any money off of this!

Colts @ PACKERS (-7.5)

I hate the Packers so much...

SUNDAY NIGHT:

BRONCOS @ Raiders (-1)

Their schedule isn't their fault, but the Raiders have only played two teams that currently have a winning record and they lost to them both. They're not that good, they're only 1-2 at home, and they're going to lose to the Broncos. Parlay that with the Titans/Chargers over and enjoy a steak dinner on yours truly!

MONDAY NIGHT:

BILLS @ Seahawks (-6.5)

This might be a dumb pick, but it doesn't look like the Seahawks have enough firepower to beat anybody by seven points these days.

THE FISCAL FIVE

I call these games my "Fiscal Five" because they're the games I feel best about this week, and if you wager on these games and these games only then you are guaranteed to make tons of money.

[Guarantee not valid in AL, AK, AZ, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, FL, GA, HI, ID, IL, IN, IA, KS, KY, LA, ME, MD, MA, MI, MN, MS, MO, MT, NE, NV, NH, NJ, NM, NY, NC, ND, OH, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, SD, TN, TX, UT, VT, VA, WA, WV, WI, WY, the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, the Northern Mariana Islands, on foreign soil, or in international waters]

Lions @ VIKINGS (-6)
COWBOYS (-7) @ Browns
Jaguars @ CHIEFS (-7)
PANTHERS (-3) @ Rams
BRONCOS @ Raiders (-1)

FISCAL FIVE LAST WEEK: 1-0

FISCAL FIVE OVERALL: 13-15-3

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2016 NFL Picks - Week 9