Oct 28, 2016

For many American teens, part of Halloween tradition includes going to a haunted house for a few good scares. But not everyone gets the benefit of visiting a competent one...

Signs That You're in a Poorly-Run Halloween Haunted House

—No skeletons, but ample copies of the owner's self-published biography of deceased comedian Red Skelton. (Brandon)

—The bowl of "brains" is full of uncooked spaghetti noodles. Still in the box, in fact. (Jameson)

—Consists solely of a nerd on a stool who whispers "You know what's scary? Each American's per capita share of the national debt" to passersby. (Joe)

—The manager, Jeff, won't stop following people around to complain about the broken fog machine. (Tenessa)

—Ghouls grab you by the pussy. (Mike)

—The zombies are mostly just sitting on folding chairs, smoking cigarettes, and reading BuzzFeed. (Matt)

—The only thing that's predatory is the mortgage. (Joe)

—Conceived and designed by M. Night Shyamalan. (Brandon)

—A guy dressed as David S. Pumpkins greets you at the door, and when you say, "Haha, that was funny on SNL," he says, "SNL??" (Jameson)

—Instead of werewolves and vampires, there are dead turtles and empty Kleenex boxes. (Tenessa)

—It's just wall-to-wall whoopie cushions. (Mike)

—While delightful, Michael Buble's Christmas album played on a constant loop does not set the desired mood. (Joe)

—Your encounter with a coven of witches was interrupted by their Jimmy Johns delivery. (Brandon)

—It's set up in one room of a currently operational iron smeltery, and there's a cockfighting ring going on in the next room. (Jameson)

—You literally can't shine your flashlight in any direction without catching a glimpse of, at minimum, two carnies gettin' it on. (Joe)

—When you sneezed, Satan said "God bless you." (Matt)

—The fake blood is ... cole slaw from KFC? I think? (Tenessa)

—The ghosts' sheets are extra pointy at the top. (Joe)

—It's $250 to get in, and once you're inside, all that happens is you're beaten with a sack of onions and shoved out the back door. (Jameson)

—Trump's name is on the outside of the building. (Brandon)

—It's June. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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