Sep 30, 2016

This week, The Walt Disney Company announced that they are fast-tracking production on a live action "reimagining" of one of their classic films, The Lion King, to be directed by Jon Favreau. And even though the movie doesn't have a script yet, the ideas are reportedly already flying...

Changes Planned for Disney's Lion King Remake

—Collars and neckties for all the animals, รก la Yogi Bear. (Jameson)

—Pixelization of a whole bunch of live-action animal schlong. (Joe)

—The stage musical that was created based on the original animated film will be converted into a 50 Shades-style sex novel before being adapted into this new movie. (Brandon)

—Popular song and catchphrase "Hakuna Matata" reimagined for a post-truth world as "Many People Are Saying". (Mike)

—Simba will be an angsty teenager who just wants to brood in his den and listen to old Nirvana vinyls. (Matt)

—Rather than a thinly-veiled retelling of Hamlet, this version will be a thinly-veiled metaphor for the Citizens United ruling. (Jameson)

—Instead of dying in a wildebeest stampede, Mufasa now dies from texting while driving. (Joe)

—Remember how Spielberg digitally edited all those guns into walkie talkies for E.T.? Well, now he's turning all the lions into walkie talkies, too! (Brandon)

—Simba is shunned from his pride for using a private email server. (Mike)

—Unlike The Jungle Book, all the stars and animators of the original are still alive, so the full title will be The Lion King: A Slap in the Face. (Jameson)

—Timon and Pumbaa to be played by Detroit Lions legends Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson. (Joe)

—Truth be told, it's really just gonna be another reboot for the Bourne franchise. (Brandon)

—When Mufasa's will is read, it is revealed that he left everything to his secret, Nazi-sympathizing family in Germany. (Mike)

—To inject a little comic hilarity, Simba has a twin he never knew about who comes to visit from the big city. (Jameson)

—An old, annoying, wealthy orange lion with a silly-looking mane will spend the entire film promoting a wild conspiracy theory that Simba can't rightfully be the ruler because he wasn't born in Africa. (Joe)

—Some filthy fucking dentist shows up on safari and murders Mufasa. (Jameson)

—Instead of becoming the Lion King, young Simba becomes the Muffler King of Hoboken, New Jersey, after his Uncle Morty chokes on a hoagie. (Brandon)

—It will be revealed that the story actually takes place in the Bojack Horseman universe. (Jameson)

—James Earl Jones will reprise his role as Mufasa, but the character's voice will be performed by David Prowse. (Brandon)

—No lions. (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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