Aug 26, 2016

This week, EpiPen maker Mylan came under fire following complaints from consumers that the pharmaceutical company had raised the price of the emergency epinephrine injector by $100 in recent months, up to a retail cost of more than $600, and that the price has increased 450% since 2004. So what's really behind the EpiPen price hike?

Real Reasons for the EpiPen Price Hike

—Upon injection, will erase any memory you have of the existence of the movie B.A.P.S. (Jameson)

—Company has been renting corporate office space in Trump Tower. (Brandon)

—Spent a lot on R&D in a failed attempt to make the EpiPen "keisterable." (Joe)

—Payments to J. William Ferguson, the original copyright holder for the "EpiPen": a fenced-in area that would keep women from running away while waiting for a doctor to perform an episiotomy. (Matt)

—Well, the Clinton Foundation, obviously. (Jameson)

—Weird Al's hit parody of The Police, "Epi Shot You Take," has increased recreational EpiPen use by 8000%. (Mike)

—Realized what people were willing to spend for an iPhone; figured they'd pony up about the same amount for a portable stick that makes you not die. (Jameson)

—One can only assume Americans have figured out a way to use it for drugs and/or have sex with it. (Brandon)

—Latest version doubles as an FM radio antenna while not in use, so you can keep up with your jams! (Jameson)

—The EpiPen folks had a lot of money tied up in that horseshit Ben-Hur remake. (Joe)

—Serves as an emergency tranquilizer if you should happen to be attacked by Ray Liotta. (Jameson)

—Epinephrine is made of bee semen, and it takes a helluva lotta time to fill up a pen with bee semen. (Matt)

—Now comes with a plush "Mylan" doll, a fierce female warrior character who does not technically infringe on any Disney copyrights. (Jameson)

—Oddly enough, much of the price increase is Ticketmaster service fees. (Brandon)

—A lot harder to source its key ingredient, Harambe urine, these days. (Jameson)

—EpiPen demanded to be paid as much as longtime partner EpiTeller. (Joe)

—Pharmaceutical company needs to recoup all the money it spent lobbying to protect monopolies on certain medications. (Jameson)

—Surge in demand from foodies after Bobby Flay used one to baste a turkey. (Brandon)

—Also works as an iPad stylus. (Jameson)

—EpiPen is Latin for "gouge 'em". (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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