Aug 5, 2016

This week, the Associated Press, after receiving confirmation from the federal government that the effectiveness of flossing had never been researched, learned that numerous studies about it found the evidence for flossing to be "weak" and "very unreliable". As a result, claims that flossing can help prevent plaque build-up, cavities, and gum disease have now been called into question, and the list of dubious benefits of floss doesn't end there...

Other Benefits of Dental Floss That Remain Unproven

—A 34% increase in your chances of winning a game of Scategories. (Matt)

—If you eat it, you will poop out a candle. (Brandon)

—Will ensure that your party doesn't nominate a narcissistic, megalomaniacal idiot for president. (Mike)

—It's impossible to die in a refinery fire within 48 hours of flossing. (Jameson)

—An uncredited rewrite by dental floss was largely responsible for the success of the first Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movie. (Joe)

—Flossing twice a day is the only thing keeping your great grandma alive. (Matt)

—Wearing it snugly over your genitals will prevent STDs and attacks from ISIS. (Brandon)

—Flossing during pregnancy results in smarter children, with "can-do spirit". (Jameson)

—Using it in a 50 Shades of Grey kind of way can really spice things up in the ol' sackaroo. (Joe)

—If you tie it into a lasso and swallow it, you can wrangle the parasitic worms out of your intestine. (Matt)

—You should drink 8 glasses of dental floss a day. (Brandon)

—Maintains a healthy amount of frontal nudity on HBO. (Jameson)

—Doubles as a makeshift swimsuit. (Mike)

—In a pinch, can be used in place of razor wire to decapitate a robber. (Matt)

—Making sure your teeth, like prom dancers, are leaving an adequate, Christlike space between. (Jameson)

—Can be tossed in some olive oil as a healthy spaghetti substitute! (Brandon)

—The real reason Drago was able to punch Apollo Creed so hard that he killed him? Boxing gloves made of dental floss. (Matt)

—Improves circulation in fingertips, by repeatedly subjecting them to stress tests of agonizing strangulation. (Jameson)

—You know how everybody always says "Your mom's gone now; nothing can bring her back"? Dental floss probably can. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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