POOP READING
Jul 15, 2016

Summer of 2016 notwithstanding, the warmer months of the year are often a time for relaxation, vacation, and taking it easy. One guy who truly has a wide open schedule until the temperatures turn chilly again is Santa Claus, the deliverer of toys and Christmas wishes to those little boys and girls who've been good all year. But don't worry: Santa still keeps busy...

Things Santa Does in the Summer

—Works as a repo man. (Brandon)

—Watches the Phoebe Cates pool scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High over and over again. (Tenessa)

—Negotiates with Georgia-Pacific on the cost and timeline to create yet another 128 million foot long piece of paper for his list. (Matt)

—Pits out like a thousand fucking heavy red coats. (Brandon)

—Hangs out in Key West making a couple extra bucks posing for pictures with tourists as Ernest Hemingway. (Joe)

—Updates an unrelated Naughty/Nice list he keeps in his favorites folder on pornhub.com. (Jameson)

—Works undercover in an Amazon order fulfillment warehouse, plotting to one day take the company down from the inside. (Brandon)

—Tries, yet again, to convince Mrs. Claus that this year is definitely the year he should wear jorts on Christmas. (Matt)

—Grills up some reindeer steaks, after determining which of his team of twelve had the worst performance review. (Brandon)

—If the song is to be believed, he keeps a detailed log of your sleep schedule. (Tenessa)

—Clips coupons for whatever that year's Tickle-Me whatsit is going to be. (Jameson)

—Hacks up roughly 14 pounds of chimney dust. (Brandon)

—Some serious manscaping. (Matt)

—A strict Exercycle regimen. (The famous image of Santa is the "thin" version; you do not want to see him when he lets himself go.) (Jameson)

—Writes another book in his series of dystopian novels about a world with no Santa. (Brandon)

—Fights against the notion of his character being reimagined as a woman because you know that's what's next! (Joe)

—Mostly driving elves back and forth to pool parties and summer camps. (Jameson)

—Mining coal. (Matt)

—Nude sunbathing with Danny DeVito. (Brandon)

—Watches Hollywood movies in which he is depicted, bitches to Mrs. Claus about what they got wrong. (Joe)

—Stars in the summer reality series Santa's Next Reindeer. (Mike)

—Watches the All-Star game and wonders how his life would've been different if he'd have accepted that baseball scholarship to Vanderbilt rather than buying a place up north with his high school sweetheart. (Matt)

—Duh, Australian Christmas. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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