Jul 1, 2016

Monday, July 4th will mark the 240th anniversary of America's independence, a day that will feature fireworks and celebrations around the entire country. But unfortunately, not everyone gets it right...

Signs That Your Fourth of July Party Isn't Patriotic Enough

—Toby Keith is wearing a shirt. (Tenessa)

—No rap battle between people dressed as America's founding fathers. (Jameson)

—Ratio of chicks in star-spangled bikinis to lecturing, old-timey schoolmarms falls well short of recommended 3-to-1 minimum. (Brandon)

—Not one dead British person to be found. (Joe)

—While you did build a wall around your backyard, you did not convince Mexico to pay for it. (Mike)

—Burgers with fucking guacamole. This isn't Cinco de Mayo, dammit! (Matt)

—You never once stopped to ask yourself if that star spangled banner yet waves. (Dan)

—There are only seven Pinterest desserts made out of strawberries and blueberries. (Tenessa)

—None of the invitations made use of the phrase "radical Islam". (Jameson)

—Your Revolutionary War cannon was authenticated by the American Society of Appraisers rather than the Appraisers Association of America. (Brandon)

—If half of your guests don't vomit or shit their pants, then you're not truly honoring the legacy of the Second Continental Congress. (Matt)

—Nobody is dressed like Apollo Creed from Rocky. (Dan)

—Your children refuse to tap dance to "Grand Old Flag." Worse yet, your wife refuses to lap dance to "Grand Old Flag." (Tenessa)

—Just the one F-18 flyover. (Jameson)

—What do you mean no one in attendance can belch the entirety of "My Country, 'Tis of Thee"? (Brandon)

—It's decorated with a bunch of cut-rate Liberian flags from the dollar store. (Joe)

—YOUR MOM isn't patriotic enough! (Tenessa)

—Ferrets dyed red, white, and blue, but not sufficiently trained to stay in that order. (Jameson)

—Fireworks mistakenly spelled out "God Less America!" and made Pastor Mike cry. (Brandon)

—Nothing deep-fried, nothing jumbo-sized... what is this, Russia? (Dan)

—Lee Greenwood is staring at you, sadly shaking his head. (Tenessa)

—Muslims not explicitly banned. (Jameson)

—No one has been caught up in so much nationalistic fervor that they tried to have sex with the U.S. flag. (Brandon)

—Too many gays... that aren't wearing American flag speedos by the pool. (Matt)

—The apple pie was made in China. (Tenessa)

—Swiss cheese on the hamburgers? Really, Laura? Swiss cheese? (Jameson)

—Everyone still has all of their fingers. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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