Jul 8, 2016

A recent study of popular sunscreen products sold in the U.S. found that 40% of them fail to meet basic sun safety guidelines, with many lacking the minimal resistance to water and sweat that the American Academy of Dermatology (AAD) recommends. But the list of issues doesn't stop there...

Other Problems Found in Leading Brands of Sunscreen

—Virtually useless against the harsh rays of the moon. (Jameson)

—Scent attracts hornets, sharks, and also bears looking to mate. (Brandon)

—Overuse causes people to mistakenly vote to leave the European Union. (Mike)

—The Neutrogena brand tans little swastikas into your skin regardless of what pattern you use to rub it on. (Joe)

—Most brands are in cahoots with "Big Sun". (Dan)

—Smearing it on "extra thick" instead of a swimsuit doesn't stop authorities from citing you for indecent exposure. (Jameson)

—They've really been skimping on the octocrylene lately, as if we wouldn't notice. [EYE ROLL] (Brandon)

—Not one of them can help C. Thomas Howell appear to qualify for an academic scholarship geared toward African Americans. (Mike)

—Still tastes suspiciously like Miracle Whip (Miracle Whip sunblock only). (Jameson)

—About 95% of it has been pre-worn by a nude, sunbathing Danny DeVito, and let me tell you, he is not stingy with it when it comes to the groin area. (Brandon)

—Ever used the "Australian Gold" brand? Yeah, that's straight-up kangaroo jizz. (Joe)

—Does little to protect against the secret second HyperSun, which is only for rich people. (Jameson)

—If it's so great for you, how come my Uncle Phil died after drinking 17 bottles of it? (Brandon)

—They do nothing to protect people from the specific sun rays that cause people to like the Divergent series. (Mike)

—Can't turn raisins back into grapes. (Jameson)

—Does little to help block out the sun when smeared all over a car's windshield. (Brandon)

—Much like you, none of them did enough to stop Donald Trump from getting the Republican nomination for president. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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