Jul 29, 2016

To the surprise of very, very few, none of the speakers at the Democratic National Convention this week in Philadelphia called for the party's nominee, Hillary Rodham Clinton, to be incarcerated. But that's not the only difference between this week's convention and the Republican National Convention in Cleveland last week.

Other Ways the DNC Is Different from the RNC

—Syllables per word. (Mike)

—Constantly battling copyright infringement lawsuits from Run-D.M.C. (Brandon)

—Less fear mongering; zero Benghazi mongering. (Dan)

—At the RNC, only the people onstage were yelling about not supporting the party's nominee. (Joe)

—No delegates at the DNC pacing the floor asking, "What happened to Joe the Plumber? Is he still around? Any chance we can nominate him?" (Jameson)

—Secret service agents armed only with really hard, crusty loaves of bread. (Brandon)

—Bands are fine with their songs being used at the DNC. (Joe)

—DNC speakers making the controversial choice not to commit treason by asking Russia to spy on the RNC. (Mike)

—Far too much of the week still devoted to disparaging the Whig Party. (Brandon)

—I'll give you one similarity while we're here: neither nominee's hair is anywhere close to being organically that color. (Joe)

—Due to a foulup with the liquor license, the DNC serves only O'Doul's, ginger ale, and Bud Light Lime (which technically has alcoholic content but is considered safe since nobody will choose to drink it). (Jameson)

—One espouses the ideals of the Reagan era, and the other is Republican. (Tenessa)

—Ample supply of handy bins where you can easily dispose of your aborted fetuses. (Brandon)

—Instead of cool sitcom actors and reality TV stars, they had a bunch of boring presidents and ex-presidents up there. (Jameson)

—One was held in a shitty sports town whose three teams have won a grand total of one title over the last 30+ years, and one was held in a shitty sports town whose four teams have won a grand total of one title over the last 30+ years. (Joe)

—DNC has twice the number of gluten wranglers. (Mike)

—Same disgusting hot dogs in the concession line, but also with a disgusting "vegan" option. (Jameson)

—The behind-the-scenes elites at the RNC all used the convention as an occasion to fuck prostitutes; the behind-the-scenes elites at the DNC all used the convention as an occasion to fuck Bernie Sanders. (Joe)

—Democrats have a jackass as their logo; Republicans put one up as their nominee. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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