POOP READING
Jun 3, 2016

This week, the Federal Food and Drug Administration proposed new guidelines for the food industry to reduce sodium in processed and prepared foods. Americans eat about 3,400 milligrams of sodium a day, well above the 2,300 recommended, and according to the Center for Disease Control, more than 70 percent of sodium consumed is already in food before it reaches the table, and reducing sodium intake could prevent heart attacks and strokes. But what about unintended consequences?

Unintended Consequences of the FDA's Plan to Reduce Sodium in the American Diet

—Marked increase in bear maulings as people fight them off to protect their precious salt licks. (Matt)

—Gatorade finds itself edged out of the sports drink market by the bottled sweat of NBA players. (Brandon)

—Fewer heart attacks and strokes means more old people. MORE OLD PEOPLE. (Tenessa)

—Suddenly, Obama has all of everyone's guns. (Jameson)

—Peanuts covered in kale for flavor. (Mike)

—Morton Salt girl falls on hard times, must prostitute self to survive. (Joe)

—Well, the aliens from V are definitely going to come back now. (Matt)

—A new season of Breaking Bad where Cranston builds a criminal enterprise around salt packets. (Jameson)

—Coastal cities and towns overrun as salt-deprived Americans relocate so they can dunk all of their meals in the ocean before eating. (Brandon)

—Salt 'n' Pepa will be forced to change their name to "Mrs. Dash 'n' Pepa." (Tenessa)

—All that extra sodium has to go somewhere—hello, fish heart attack epidemic! (Jameson)

—Creation of a Hungry Man dinner black market. (Matt)

—Americans relearn the old ways: eating gruel and unseasoned potatoes while working 22-hour days in factories for a nickel a week. (Jameson)

—Globules made entirely of trans fats, gluten, and sodium become the new crack. (Brandon)

—The next tense standoff with federal agents will be in a Captain D's instead of a bird sanctuary. (Jameson)

—[Crossing fingers] Please clear up my scabies. Please clear up my scabies. Please clear up my scabies. (Matt)

—The Pretzel Commission will team up with the Pickle Commission for litigation purposes. (Tenessa)

—A surge in popularity for Glodium, a genetically-engineered sodium replacement that will skirt FDA guidelines and make your poop glow in the dark. (Jameson)

—The 28% of the population that's being kept alive by the preservation properties of sodium will die within a month of full-scale implementation. (Matt)

—Hungry Americans huddled in offshore "sodium ghettos". (Jameson)

—The American people become so insane from sodium deficiency that they whittle their two choices for president down to a corrupt sexual assault enabler and a predatory con man from reality TV. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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