May 20, 2016

A study released this week by the Rand Corporation suggested that fewer Americans are making use of their local park, possibly because most parks are geared toward young children, leaving less features of interest to teens, adults, and seniors. But that's not the only reason...

Reasons Americans Aren't Using Their Local Park

—Overrun with spider monkeys and broken samurai swords. (Brandon)

—Ever-present threat of a worldwide child uprising. (Matt)

—Because the park, while nice enough, offers, if you look closely, just slightly less free internet porn than their basement. (Joe)

—Got creeped out by the Rand Corporation guy always following them around with a clipboard. (Jameson)

—Believe it to be an ISIS training ground after spotting a falafel cart there last month. (Brandon)

—Still occupied by those Occupy Wall Street folks. (Jameson)

—Not enough GILFs. (Matt)

—Feels unsafe ever since the fracking started. (Jameson)

—Too much goose shit on the jogging path (look, some of these are funny, and then some of these are more sort of "ripped-from-the-headlines" accurate). (Joe)

—The line to get your birth certificate approved for access to the bathroom is too long. (Jameson)

—Park is named after former mayor/governor/congressman/president who was a goddamn, no-good [INSERT NAME OF POLITICAL PARTY THEY OPPOSE HERE]. (Brandon)

—Chris Hansen always lurking around, giving everyone the side-eye. (Jameson)

—Those groups of elderly African American men playing chess must be dangerous in some way. (Matt)

—$6500 stipend from the American Park Avoidance Council kind of hard to pass up. (Jameson)

—Between babies crying, dogs shitting wherever they please, and random dudes masturbating in the bathroom, it seems like a pretty awful place to spend your time. (Matt)

—All the best meth dealers are behind the library now. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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