Poop Reading - Other Things Your Dog Doesn't Want From You

Other Things Your Dog Doesn't Want From You

—Your posting a picture on Facebook every time you stuff them in a goddamn seasonal sweater. (Mike)

—Any more excuses about why their Eddie Bauer Edition L.L. Bean dog bed hasn't showed up yet. (Jameson)

—These stupid, cutesy names you keep coming up with. It's a dog, not an upper-middle-class white baby. (Joe)

—Another trip to fucking Lowe's. Yay, you can bring dogs there... whoop-ti-fucking-do. It's still Lowe's. (Brandon)

—Vegan dog treats. (Matt)

—Divisive bullshit comments about Hillary and Bernie. (Tenessa)

—Body shaming. (Dan)

—A copy of your Twitter password "just in case". (Jameson)

—The ample leftovers from your famous "Eggplant Surprise" casserole. (Brandon)

—A door that's supposedly just for them even though it slaps them in the face AND the ass Every. Fucking. Time. (Mike)

—Kibbles 'n Bits, or really anything you expect them to eat that has an 'n in the name. (Jameson)

—The running commentary during Better Call Saul. Shut up and watch the show! It's a surprisingly worthy heir to Breaking Bad! (Brandon)

—At-home prostate exams to save money. You're not a vet, dude, get your finger out of their ass. (Matt)

—"Sleepovers" in the laundry room, just because you brought someone home from a bar and are hoping to get lucky. (Jameson)

—More blame for your rancid farts. LIES! ALL LIES!! (Brandon)

—Air Bud on DVD. It's not a funny gag gift for humans; even less so for dogs. (Jameson)

—All of the casual nudity. Please stop. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner