May 27, 2016

With security checkpoint wait times approaching two or three hours in some airports, the Transportation Security Administration has been under fire lately, and last week, the agency said they were taking steps to ease long lines, including authorizing more overtime for screeners, faster hiring practices, and increased use of bomb-sniffing dogs. But the changes won't stop there...

Other Changes the TSA Is Making to Reduce Wait Times

—$5 off your in-flight snacks if you pat down your neighbor while waiting in line. (Jameson)

—In lieu of lengthy screening, agents will just mumble "Terrorist says what?" to each passenger and see who bites. (Brandon)

—Taco Tuesdays. Bring in a taco for a TSA agent and skip the line altogether! (Matt)

—Replacing metal detectors with "mettle detectors" that determine which passengers would be able to beat up a terrorist mid-flight. Once you get enough of those passengers per plane, they just wave everybody else on through. (Joe)

—Using the honor system. (Dan)

—Allowing travelers to hire others to wait in line for them, or even skip the hassle altogether and send a surrogate on their trip, receiving a lovely photo book of vicarious memories at the end. (Jameson)

—Every airport will now have a Black Friday sale going on just beyond the checkpoint. (Brandon)

—All agents will be male and female supermodels. It won't reduce wait times, but no one's going to say a thing about those pat downs anymore. (Matt)

—Playing that Benny Hill music at the front of the line, which automatically makes people do everything faster. (Joe)

—Ban clocks, windows, and whining. Maybe you were in the line for three hours; maybe three minutes. There's no way to know! (Jameson)

—Reducing the back room image screener's masturbation breaks from 8 per hour down to 4. (Matt)

—Thin the lines by shooting every third passenger on sight. (Jameson)

—If someone who has already passed through the checkpoint will vouch for you, you're good. (Brandon)

—Want to get into the airport? First you've got to survive the Thunderdome! (Matt)

—Showing people in line the last 90 seconds of a close basketball game, in real time, with all the timeouts and play stoppages. Two hours in a TSA line feels like it passes quickly compared to that. (Joe)

—Divert all flights to Guantanamo Bay; allow passengers to depart for their real destination once they've proved their innocence. (Jameson)

—Ride it out until President Trump is in charge. He can fix anything! (Matt)

—Engage in a civil dialogue with ISIS, allay their concerns about westernization, end terrorism forever. (Jameson)

—Convincing the airlines to finally just make the entire plane out of the black box. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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