POOP READING
Feb 26, 2016

Each year, the host of the Oscars and the losing nominees in five categories – Best Actor and Actress, Best Supporting Actor and Actress, and Best Director – receive a free gift bag from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. This year's bag is reportedly valued at $232,000, and includes such items as a vaporizer, a container of personalized M&Ms, a 15-day private walking tour of Japan, and something called a "vampire breast lift." But that's not all...

Other Items Found in This Year's Oscars Gift Bag

—A zombie facial peel. (Jameson)

—Old Puerto Rican license plates. (Matt)

—Flash drive with a video of six-time Oscar loser Glenn Close walking the newly-defeated through the emotional rollercoaster they're about to experience, from binge-eating a spiral cut ham to being found nude and weeping in a Dick's Sporting Goods. (Brandon)

—A rain check Oscar nomination good for one black actor, director, or producer at the 2017 Academy Awards. (Mike)

—One of late Oscar-winner Rod Steiger's weird old-guy medallions. (Joe)

—The Revenant brand bear repellant spray. (Jameson)

—30% off coupon for the new Burger King hot dogs – in classic or chili cheese! (Brandon)

—12 free Mordecai DVDs and a promise of $10,000 if you keep them and/or destroy them yourself. (Mike)

—Stool sample kit for the annual update of the Academy's records. (Jameson)

—Roughly three pounds of sawdust. (Brandon)

—A desperate, hand-written note from John Travolta asking someone to please get him out of the Church of Scientology. (Mike)

—A delicious French dip sandwich from Philippe the Original floating in a pool of au jus at the bottom of the bag. (Matt)

—A 312-page peer-reviewed Yale study on climate change from April, 2014. (Jameson)

—Copy of the Room home game. (Brandon)

—A restraining order against Shia LaBeouf. (Jameson)

—An exquisite locket necklace containing a tiny sprinkling of former Academy president Karl Malden's ashes (and, for reasons that are not made clear, a couple of his pubes). (Brandon)

—The adulation and approval you so desperately, voraciously craved when you decided to get into this business. (Joe)

—SPF 100 sunscreen. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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