Feb 12, 2016

Incumbent Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders won the Democratic primary election in New Hampshire this week, giving his presidential campaign a big boost. But as he rises to prominence, many voters are now beginning to ask the question: who is Bernie Sanders?

Little-Known Facts About Bernie Sanders

—80% of his diet is maple syrup. (Jameson)

—No relation to the Colonel, but he does like to don a white suit and lick his fingers. (Tenessa)

—Took 3rd place on Season 2 of The Socialist Voice. (Mike)

—Like Kobe Bryant, Sanders also refers to himself as Black Mamba. (Matt)

—If elected, would not only become the first Jewish President and the oldest President to take office, but also the third President to hold a black belt in mixed martial arts, after Nixon and Taft. (Brandon)

—Favorite movie? Shanghai Noon. In private, you cannot get him to shut up about Shanghai Noon. (Joe)

—Played percussion on the Bon Jovi album, New Jersey. (Dan)

—If you think his hair looks crazy, you should see his pubic hair. (No, you really shouldn't.) (Jameson)

—His name should actually be spelled "Burn-y," on account of his repeated attempts at arson. (Tenessa)

—He thinks Larry David's impersonation of his is only "pretty, pretty good" and not "pretty, pretty, pretty good." (Mike)

—When he bleeds, Metamucil powder comes out. (Matt)

—Will fuck, marry, AND kill you, so watch out, Jane O'Meara Sanders! (Brandon)

—He champions the social safety net, but voted to deregulate the safety net industry in the 2009 Circus and Trapeze Omnibus Bill. (Jameson)

—Has been in Washington longer than Hillary Clinton. (Wait, are these supposed to be funny?) (Mike)

—Of all of his accomplishments, the one he's most proud of is his record for most tacos eaten in one hour at Tito's Taco Town in downtown D.C. (Matt)

—Briefly starred in the ill-fated 90s sitcom, Berning Down the House!, with former NFL quarterback Bernie Kosar and New York City subway vigilante Bernie Goetz. (Brandon)

—Golfs naked. (Jameson)

—He's actually Donald Trump pulling an elaborate Mrs. Doubtfire-style gag. (Tenessa)

—Came up with the "Feel the Bern" slogan after some ill-advised behavior on a spring break trip to Mexico in 1966 affected his peeing for several weeks afterward. (Mike)

—Orders the "Marco Reuben-io" sandwich every day at the Senate commissary. (Jameson)

—Is going to get away with it because of those meddling kids. (Joe)

—Only running for president so he can raise his profile and cash in on some of that sweet, sweet poop yogurt endorsement money that Jamie Lee Curtis is swimming in. (Brandon)

—His passport photo was the primary illustration on the Wikipedia page for the Hairy Ball theorem until he forced them to take it down. (Jameson)

—You've seen Weekend at Bernie's, right? Yeeeeeaaah, about Bernie... (Tenessa)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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