Jan 15, 2016

This week's Powerball lottery jackpot delivered a record payout of $1.5 billion, leading to a frenzy of ticket purchases around the country. But while there are many reasons winning all that money would be great, it also comes with some potential downside...

Pros and Cons of Winning $1.5 Billion

—Can make 1,500 indecent proposals to Demi Moore. (Matt)

—Might be able to afford a good cell data plan from Verizon now. (Jameson)

—Your kids no longer understand the value of a simple, honest $100 million. (Mike)

—Still won't bring back Telly Savalas. (Brandon)

—You and your new buddies having to consciously - yet not too obviously - avoid telling Mark Cuban where you're all hanging out later tonight. (Joe)

—You can buy 750,000 more Powerball tickets. (Matt)

—Wish Ed hadn't been canceled? Hire the cast to act out your fan fiction in your back yard! (Jameson)

—Can never use the "take a penny" at a gas station without it making the 6 o'clock news. (Mike)

—Now you can:
1) Purchase DNA of all four Beatles.
2) Have them cloned.
3) Recreate clones' upbringing and circumstances as closely as you possibly can to those of the original Beatles.
4) When the clones reach adulthood, make them fight to the death to see which of the four emerges victorious, settling for good an argument that you and your friend Scottie have been having since junior high. (Joe)

—[Same thing except with all four Golden Girls] (Joe)

—A really bad case of Costanza wallet. (Matt)

—With a billion dollars in the bank, your political opinions automatically matter. (Jameson)

—You can finally fill your Duck Tales style gold coin pool with gold coins instead of stale Werthers Originals. (Mike)

—Once you've eaten the planet's most expensive sushi off the torso of the planet's most expensive prostitute, a sort of "no-worlds-left-to-conquer" malaise kind of sets in. (Joe)

—Not only do you have to pay an exorbitant amount of taxes on your winnings, if you read the fine print, one lucky lottery representative gets to cup the winner's balls or tweak their nipples for 38 seconds. (Matt)

—Becoming known as "the guy who won the lottery" instead of "the guy who accidentally mailed his underpants to his mother-in-law that one time". (Jameson)

—Can pay someone to literally turn everything you touch into gold. (Matt)

—Due to research on long-term effects of concussions, prospect of buying an NFL team so you can play quarterback, a la Warren Beatty in Heaven Can Wait, has lost its appeal. Thanks a LOT, medical science! (Brandon)

—Meticulously detailed, canon-worthy Buffy the Vampire Slayer porn? Oh, will there ever be meticulously detailed, canon-worthy Buffy the Vampire Slayer porn. (Joe)

—It's still not enough to cover your sloth fighting losses. (Matt)

—No more annoying, cramped flights being coughed on by losers: you can buy the $17 upgrade to "Economy Plus" from now on! (Jameson)

—Always wondering how your life would be different if you'd won $1.6 billion dollars. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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