Jan 8, 2016

As always, the new year is a time for reflection and attempts at self-improvement, but some of those attempts seem more odd than others...

Least Used New Year's Resolutions

—Eat your weight in lutefisk over the course of the new calendar year. (Brandon)

—Donate more fingers to NPR. (Matt)

—Move past the "bargaining" stage of grief re: the 2013 death of Pat Summerall. (Joe)

—Try not to jump to conclusions so quickly in judging the suspects on NCIS: New Orleans. (Jameson)

—Find more adventuresome pooping locations. (Mike)

—Quit smoking two packs a day, and start smoking two yaks a day. (Tenessa)

—Stop gambling away your savings on horse racing and turn to some safe entertainment like Draft Kings. (Jameson)

—Run in place whenever you are eating meals. (Matt)

—Put a deposit down on Vikings Super Bowl tickets. (Joe)

—Thoroughly read all Terms & Conditions before agreeing to anything. (Jameson)

—Each day, do something that scares the kids right before they go to bed. (Mike)

—Spend more time volunteering at your local haggis co-op. (Tenessa)

—Whittle it down to just 2-3 mistresses for a while. (Jameson)

—Stop daydreaming about collaborating with Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory on your screenplay for "My Dinner with Andre 2: Just Desserts." (Matt)

—Finally work up the guts to bring a photo of Donald Trump to your barber and say, "Who is this guy? He's all over TV and I'm embarrassed to admit I've never heard of him." (Twist ending!). (Joe)

—Quit disturbing Dean Martin's grave every full moon. (Jameson)

—Pledge to stop drinking... liquid of any kind. (Mike)

—Stop judging movies based on their depiction of female characters and start judging them based on their depiction of highway safety. (Jameson)

—Wear more ham. (Tenessa)

—Wear less ham. (Tenessa)

—Give it a rest with the Margot Kidder limericks. (Jameson)

—Ruin Martin Landau's dog's life. (Matt)

—Quit being so squeamish about eating expired shrimp. (Jameson)

—Less Mary Tyler Moore, more Les Moonves. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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