Oct 23, 2015

At a press conference this week, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) told House Republicans that he would agree to run for Speaker of the House, but only if certain conditions were met. The stipulations included: Republicans will stop being "an opposition party;" Republicans need to "update House rules so everyone can be a more effective representative;" the House Republican conference needs to unify "now;" and that Ryan will not be asked to give up time with his family. But those weren't the only conditions...

Other Demands Made By Paul Ryan

—Also wants to spend more time with Rex Ryan's family; they seem cool. (Joe)

—The next Pope should have a "better attitude". (Jameson)

—May only be addressed as Señor Más Macho. (Brandon)

—People must stop pointing out to him that both he and Ayn Rand needed Social Security to live. (Mike)

—If you choose to pull one of those bullshit non-filibuster filibusters, you're gonna have to do it wearing assless chaps. (Matt)

—Freshman Republicans must not make eye contact. (Dan)


—Has had it up to here with not being able to jet ski to work. (Joe)

—Rand Paul must change his first name to Ryan. (Jameson)

—Amendment to the Constitution that gives him the right to administer noogies, wedgies, and titty twisters as he sees fit, with full diplomatic immunity. (Brandon)

—Somehow, someway, David Chase sends him definitive word about whether Tony Soprano is dead or alive. (Mike)

—"Weird Al" Yankovic must record a parody version of the 1983 Talking Heads hit "Burning Down the House" entitled "Speaker Of the House" which makes liberal use of Ryan's name and is played whenever he enters a room. (Joe)

—If someone in the Capitol building has ice cream, then Paul Ryan better damn well also have ice cream. (Brandon)

—He's not saying everybody has to pray, but there can be no not praying. (Tenessa)

—National sports media must continue to lick Aaron Rodgers's taint at every opportunity. (Joe)

—Can a fella get a little Beyoncé up in here? (Brandon)

—Would like a turnip shaped like a fancy lady. (Jameson)

Still not seeing nearly enough of Oliver Platt... (Joe)

—As a symbol of the newfound unity in the GOP, each member of the Republican caucus will get a Laffer curve tramp stamp. (Mike)

—Casual Mondays: Cuz wearin' jeans takes the chore out of returning to the House floor! (Brandon)

—Wouldn't say no to an extra slice of pizza in the commissary every once in a while. (Joe)

—An autographed copy of The Art of the Deal, by Donald Trump, or Lee Iacocca's Iacocca, also signed by Trump. (Jameson)

—Trey Gowdy's (R-SC) office is now Ryan's bathroom... but it's also still Gowdy's office. (Brandon)

—Speaker position must be awarded to him in the form of a televised game show called Top GOP, the title of which Ryan may or may not realize doesn't rhyme. Nobody has the nerve to ask him. (Joe)

—Ryan Adams will perform a haunting cover of H.R. 234: The Cyber Intelligence and Sharing Act. (Mike)

—No fatties, fart faces, fugmos, fuglies, pug fuglies, fug puglies, tud gruglies, turd burglars, Hamburglars, ham eaters, clam beaters, exam cheaters, glue huffers, queef gypsies, C.H.U.D.s, or Democrats. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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