POOP READING
Oct 2, 2015

Earlier this month, it was revealed that automaker Volkswagen had deliberately misled the public about their line of "clean diesel" cars, and had in fact installed devices in the vehicles that only enabled their emissions controls during laboratory emissions testing, causing emissions produced during testing to be much lower than those produced during real-world driving. But that's not the only thing Volkswagen has lied about...

Additional Volkswagen Claims That Have Been Proven False

—The VW Beetle was the official vehicle of The Beatles. (Mike)

—All Volkswagen cars can drive on ice and even execute a passable salchow. (Jameson)

—Turning the lights off on your Golf renders it – and you – totally invisible. (Matt)

—The "N" gear in all Volkswagen models does not stand for neutral, but rather for necromancy, the magical ability to communicate with the dead. (Brandon)

—If you're low on gas just pee into the tank; that'll get ya where yer goin'. (Joe)

—All rearview mirrors are actually iPhones on selfie sticks. (Dan)

—The Tiguan can generate 1.21 gigawatts of power when driven at 88mph. (Mike)

—A 2004 Passat beat the IBM Watson computer in an unaired Jeopardy! episode. (Jameson)

—The namesake of its luxury SUV, the Touareg, is the German god of granting sudden, unexplained adult penis growth. (Brandon)

—It's buried deep in a farm subsidies bill that Congress passed in 1986, but federal law specifically states that there will be no consequences for anybody involved if a game of "Slug Bug" escalates to the point where a murder is committed. (Joe)

—Jettas can totally do that Men in Black-style driving-upside-down-on-the-ceiling-of-a-tunnel shit. (Mike)

—Vehicles get 22 miles per gallon, and 42 miles per blallon, a special virtual fuel you can buy on VW's website. (Jameson)

—Studies have shown that young children riding in the backseat of a Passat puke at a rate less than 1%. (Brandon)

—Having sex with your tailpipe is definitely going to improve your car's performance and self-esteem. (Matt)

—The Jetta is the world's all-time Number 1 gettin'-laid-mobile. (Joe)

—Voice guidance system will take the owner's side in any arguments that happen inside the car. (Brandon)

—If a Passat idles in temperatures below 30 degrees for more than 10 minutes, it will bring the occupant of the passenger seat to orgasm. (Mike)

—A Touareg saved Brian Williams's life when he sustained heavy fire while traveling in Kabul. (Jameson)

—Windshield wiper fluid comes in clear, blue, or Sierra Mist. (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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