POOP READING
Sep 11, 2015

This week, ESPN published a report accusing the New England Patriots, who have won four Super Bowls since 2001, of various methods of cheating in recent years, including stealing other teams' play sheets or scouting reports, and jamming opponents' coach-to-quarterback radio line. But their breaking of the rules didn't stop there...

Other Ways the New England Patriots Have Cheated Over the Years

—Frequently use two footballs on the same play. (Joe)

—Often played Sorry! without being remotely sorry. (Jameson)

—Opponents entering the visitor's locker room are greeted by horny lions that shoot lasers out of their dicks when they orgasm. (Matt)

—Had the goalposts at their home stadium designed by the makers of the Dyson Airblade, complete with a remote control on/off switch. (Brandon)

—They keep scoring more points than their opponents. Like, almost every time! (Mike)

—Whenever Tedy Bruschi saw somebody he knew at Dunkin Donuts, he'd text them that their mom was in a car accident so they'd leave and he'd get to move up a spot in line. (Joe)

—Stole a sports almanac from the future. (Jameson)

—Totally had sex with the Jets on the sly. (Brandon)

—Hacked into opponents' sideline video feed and filled it with nothing but nude photos of Nancy Grace. (Matt)

—Tom Brady lost two Super Bowls on purpose just so longtime rival Peyton Manning would have fewer championships than his idiot brother. (Joe)

—Ever so slightly deflated John Madden. (Jameson)

—When Bill Belichick goes to the movies he fishes a soda cup out of the trash, grabs a new lid and straw, then fills up at the self-serve soda machine. (Joe)

—From 2006-2009, their fullback was a wild boar they trained to run upright. (Brandon)

—Acquiring and/or developing top players and coaching them well. Teams like the Lions, Vikings, Browns, Jets and Jaguars are far too classy to use such underhanded tactics. (Joe)

—You know, when you think about it, what they've actually done is cheat themselves. It's a shame, really. All they have to show for it are a bunch of Super Bowl trophies, gobs of money, supermodel wives, and enormous fame. Heartbreaking. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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