Sep 25, 2015

This week, it was revealed that hackers who stole security clearance data on millions of Defense Department and other U.S. government employees earlier this year got away with roughly 5.6 million fingerprint records. Hackers can steal your money, your credit, your identity, and now your fingerprint records... what's next?

Other Things That Hackers Will Soon Be Able to Steal From You

—Your actual fingerprints. (Matt)

—A DVD copy of 1995's Hackers. (Jameson)

—The part of you that still remembers The Goonies as having been any good. (Joe)

—A picture of Coretta Scott King that you have spanked it to countless times. (Alex Rodriguez only.) (Brandon)

—The shaft – but not the head – of your penis. (Matt)

—Your House Speakership. Don't kid yourself, that's how it happened. (Joe)

—Your quiet longing for your old high school flame, Donna Bancroft. (Brandon)

—Your cat's virginity. (Matt)

—Future dick pics that you haven't even taken yet. (Joe)

—That there sack whut where ya keeps yer vittles! (Brandon)

—The avocados you stole from Tom Selleck. (Matt)

—Your will to go on. (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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