POOP READING
Aug 14, 2015

There's only a few weeks left of summer, and everyone's scrambling to squeeze in as many activities as they can while it lasts...

Items Left on Your Summer To-Do List

—Oh shit! Make a summer to-do list!! (Matt)

—Meet up with hitchBOT. (Dan)

—Prank call the family of the late Eddie Cochran to taunt them that you've finally found a cure for the Summertime Blues, which is what killed Eddie. (Brandon)

—Find the delicate line between fart and shart. (Mike)

—Figure out whether Megyn Kelly is a smart dumb person or a dumb smart person. (Tenessa)

—Steel yourself and take more than a cursory glance at those Cosby allegations you've been hearing about. (Jameson)

—Get "TRUMP 4 PREZ" tattooed across your knuckles (totally fits if you include the thumbs). (Joe)

—Post-summer dehydrilzation and/or pre-winter moistening. (Brandon)

—Finish building that real-life Ant-Man, show Debbie in marketing that you are a man to be taken seriously. (Mike)

—1) Buy 47 bags of Cheetos. 2) Construct fort out of Cheetos. 3) Eat fort. (Tenessa)

—Decide who to vote for in fifteen months! (Jameson)

—Get a silhouette of U.S. Secretary of Commerce Penny Pritzker sunburned on your cheek. (Brandon)

—Fuck a rainbow. Or at the very least, jerk off in the general direction of a rainbow. (Matt)

—Throw out the last of your adult son's priceless baseball card collection. (Joe)

—Read a boo– OH MY GOD, Nicki Minaj did NOT just tweet that! (Brandon)

—If you play for the Minnesota Twins, double check your list to make sure it really does say "collapse" instead of "continue to play winning baseball." (Mike)

—Hear the song "Shut Up and Dance" six million more fucking times. (Tenessa)

—Punch that asshat Duane in the kidney, thinks he can spoil the season finale of Pretty Little Liars! (Brandon)

—Finally get started on all the hand-written apologies you owe Larry Hagman. (Oops, he's already dead. Better apologize for that, too.) (Jameson)

—Shit in a tin bucket in front of a huge audience on a Broadway stage, like Matthew Broderick did that one time. (Brandon)

—Get in shape for summer. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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