Jul 10, 2015

Actor Tom Selleck is being sued by the Calleguas Municipal Water District in Ventura County over claims that a tanker truck has been stealing water from a public hydrant and diverting it to his 60-acre avocado ranch at a time when the drought-stricken area is under mandatory water use cutbacks. So what else has Magnum, P.I. been up to lately?

Other Terrible Things Tom Selleck Has Been Doing While You Weren't Paying Attention

—[Sorry... too many "mustache ride" jokes popping into my head. Can't possibly pick just one.] (Joe)

—Driving a car that runs entirely on charcoal. (Matt)

—Apparently making nine Jesse Stone TV-movies in 10 years whaaaaaat?? (Brandon)

—Going to absolutely any lengths to convince people that he's growing avocados on that land, and definitely NOT building a robotic army of super-lizards just beneath the ground. (Jameson)

—Shaved his iconic mustache into a Hitler mustache. (Mike)

—Editing the Confederate flag ONTO the roofs of cars in reruns of TV shows from the late '70s and early '80s. (Joe)

—Waterboarding California condors. (Matt)

—Just went ahead and masturbated right in front of us because he knew we weren't paying attention, that son of a bitch. (Brandon)

—Fracking, slant-drilling, and "seismic waffling". (Jameson)

—Convinced Apple to place Three Men and a Little Lady into every iTunes user's movie library and somehow set it to autoplay. (Mike)

—Going up to Donnie Wahlberg on the set of Blue Bloods and asking "Hey, where's the Funky Bunch?" (Joe)

—Saving his poops and shipping them to El Salvador. (Jameson)

—Holding "acting classes" where all he does is drink bourbon while watching old episodes of Magnum, P.I. and commenting on which chicks he banged while Higgins watched. (Matt)

—"Shark tarping", which is ten times as perverted as it sounds, and at least twice as painful to the shark. (Jameson)

—Pretty sure he stole my cousin's guitar, dude. (Brandon)

—Making obscene phone calls to the elderly. Not because he gets off on the elderly; it's just that they're the only people left who still have land lines without caller ID. (Joe)

—Stealing millions of social security numbers so each of his precious avocados can have its own citizenship. (Jameson)

—Declaring himself the newest Republican Presidential Candidate for 2016. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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