Jul 3, 2015

Following last week's landmark Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage in the United States, justice Antonin Scalia published a scathing dissent that at one point included the lines "Who ever thought that intimacy and spirituality (whatever that means) were freedoms? And if intimacy is, one would think Freedom of Intimacy is abridged rather than expanded by marriage. Ask the nearest hippie." Since then, hippies around the country have been bombarded with additional questions as the American people seek the answers they so desperately need...

Other Questions Hippies Are Being Besieged with in the Wake of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's Dissent

—"Are you the nearest hippie, or are there closer hippies hiding in plain sight?" (Jameson)

—"Do you think Teddy Bridgewater is the guy? I mean, his rookie year was awfully promising but we've just been burned so many times before..." (Joe)

—"Can God create a boulder so big that he himself can't lift it? Why would he do that?" (Dan)

—"Oh god, did I unintentionally abridge my Freedom of Intimacy by getting married?!? That is SO me!" (Brandon)

—"Where's the best place to buy a tub of patchouli?" (Mike)

—"Does anyone else smell tofu farts?" (Jameson)

—"Since Woodstock, why has there never been a Metalstock? It seems pretty obvious." (Dan)

—"Do you really think you can beat Hillary in the primary, Mr. Sanders?" (Jameson)

—"Does this outfit make me look gay – let me finish – enough?" (Joe)

—"Is Kevin Costner a mediocre actor, or is he actually a very specific type of good actor that we as laymen are not sophisticated enough to appreciate?" (Brandon)

—"I need an ironic T-shirt that references at least one little-known rock band in a size XXXS, do you—oh, sorry, I thought I was asking the nearest hipster." (Jameson)

—"Is your Freedom of Chilling abridged by climate change?" (Mike)

—"I've got three cups of tabouli and a week-old peach pit. Do you have any recipes for this?" (Jameson)

—"And what's the deal with airline food? Am I right, people?" (Brandon)

—"Whoa?" (Dan)

—"What are you and your beard crust doing later today?" (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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