Jul 24, 2015

NASA's New Horizons space probe, which was launched in 2006, arrived at Pluto earlier this month, and has been sending back data ever since. The probe is studying Pluto's surface and atmosphere, and just this week found a previously unknown range of ice mountains. But the amazing finds haven't stopped there...

New Discoveries Found on Pluto

—First Chipotle set to open next week. (Brandon)

—Despite the scientific declassification, Pluto still wears planet-sized condoms. (Mike)

—Its economy is more stable than Greece's. (Jameson)

—A bunch more unpublished Harper Lee manuscripts. (Joe)

—That newly discovered ice mountain is inhabited by the Wampa snow beasts from Star Wars, and they're gonna fuck up Mark Hamill if he ever shows his face on Pluto. (Matt)

—The wallet I lost in 2006. Dammit! Guess it's gonna be another nine years before I get that thing back. (Brandon)

—Production delays including "cost overruns" and "instant death upon going outside" are hampering HGTV's House Hunters: Pluto. (Mike)

—Five new Pluto-only sexual positions. (Jameson)

—Those nine pizzas my very excellent mother just served us. (Joe)

—Three more Republican Presidential candidates. (Matt)

—Turns out Tiger Woods had sex with Pluto at some point. (Brandon)

—It takes 9 years to get to Pluto to light a fart, but only 4 years for someone back on Earth to smell it. (Mike)

—Everyone on Pluto now prays to the metal sky god that flew past earlier this month. (Jameson)

—An inflatable sex robot, cuz, you know, 9 years is a long time not to be bangin', and it's not like New Horizons was jerking off in space where everyone could see. (Matt)

—A whole nother Japan. (Joe)

—Satellite broadcasts of Arli$$ haven't reached there yet, making it a perfect place to study a society right before its collapse. (Jameson)

—You thought the three-boobed chicks on Mars were awesome in Total Recall? Well, chicks on Pluto have four boobs and seventeen vaginas. (Matt)

—Even on Pluto, Donald Trump has no chance of winning elected office. (Jameson)

—Who cares?? We made it to Pluto, baby! Now we own it, just like we own the moon! USA! USA! USA! (Brandon)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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