Poop Reading - Surprises Found in the New Avengers Sequel

Surprises Found in the New Avengers Sequel

—All of the Avengers are voting for Ted Cruz. (Jameson)

—Ultron announces that he is transitioning into a lady robot. (Joe)

—Who saves the day? You guessed it, Paul Blart: Mall Cop. (Mike)

—Turns out the title is far more literal than you'd expect, as the whole thing is just 141 minutes of the Avengers trying to guess Ultron's age. (Brandon)

—The amount of times Wolf Biltzer appears as an extra. I mean, c'mon, we all know what he looks like. You can't show him getting blown up in a train and then have him playing one of the doctors at the hospital the very next scene! (Matt)

—They team up with the Harlem Globetrotters! (Dan)

—Is being screened in 3D, but was originally shot in 14D. (Jameson)

—The group is nearly torn apart when it is revealed that Black Widow is actually a white lady who has never had her husband die. (Joe)

—Even with all the computer-animated effects, Ultron is just James Spader in a grey body stocking with blinky lights glued to it. (Jameson)

—Ends with newest Avenger Lavid Detterman stabbing his evil arch enemy Lay Jeno. (Mike)

—Captain America is joined by two other similarly named heroes, Admiral Jamaica and Lance Corporal Uruguay. (Joe)

—No nudity, but non-stop racial slurs. (Jameson)

—The other Avengers just start openly referring to Hawkeye as "Ringo." (Joe)

—Crass product placement has Hulk's catchphrase altered to "Hulk SMASHBURGER!" (Brandon)

—Soundtrack features nothing but the near-constant blaring of Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." (Joe)

—Most of the problems in the USA of Marvel's universe? Caused by gay marriage. (Jameson)

—Prepare to be disappointed, because once again Iron Man doesn't iron a fucking thing. (Joe)

—After destroying D.C. in the opening battle sequence and subsequently being shut down by the President, the Avengers open a feed and seed store in Waterloo, Iowa. I want to say there's more than that, but there's not. (Matt)

—Stan Lee makes his customary two-second joke cameo, this time playing presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton. (Jameson)

—Tired of shredding his clothes every time he transforms into the Hulk, Bruce Banner starts wearing nothing but Spanx. (Joe)

—The whole Ultron imbroglio could've been prevented if corporate had approved the $9 homicidal-maniacal-killbot-override button the engineers proposed at the very start. (Jameson)

—Though the cause of the damage and destruction – a sentient cyborg hell bent on the eradication of the human race – is pretty cut and dried, at the end of the movie Fox News blames Obama and MSNBC blames rich people. (Joe)

—Thor was dead the whole time. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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Surprises Found in the New Avengers Sequel