POOP READING
Apr 3, 2015

A recent study conducted by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety found that distracted driving – things like cell phones, friends in the car, and grooming – was a factor in 58% of teen car crashes, and that teens have the highest crash rate of any group in the United States. But what about the other 42% of those crashes?

Other Things That Are Causing Teen Driver Accidents

—The new Reddit trend, AMAWD, Ask Me Anything While Driving. (Dan)

—Thoughts that lead to boners, and the subsequent contortions to hide said boners from their fellow passengers. (Brandon)

—Testing the horsepower of their vehicles by chaining a real horse to the rear bumper and having it pull in the opposite direction. (Matt)

—Singing along a little too enthusiastically to "What's New, Pussycat?" (Tenessa)

—Distraught One Direction fans driving on the "British" side of the road in the wake of Zayn Malik's departure. (Mike)

—The wishful belief that every car can be self-driving, if properly motivated. (Jameson)

—Businesses in Indiana that can now LEGALLY DRIVE YOUR TEEN HEADLONG INTO A BRICK WALL WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE! (Joe)

—Running alongside their car while driving. (Matt)

—That stranger in the back seat with a hook for a hand. (Tenessa)

—Safe driving is SO 20th century, gawd. [EYE ROLL] (Brandon)

—Studying flash cards for their upcoming HAM radio certification test. (Matt)

—Teens want to drive like their heroes: actress Jayne Mansfield, Egyptian film producer Dodi Fayed, and five-time Yankees manager Billy Martin. (Jameson)

—Um, letting people with raging hormones and underdeveloped brains operate speeding two-ton pieces of deadly machinery? (Joe)

—Letting their freak flag fly, and then subsequently losing a grip on it and watching it float down the highway. (Matt)

—Popular "Kardashian spoilers" so large that drivers cannot see out of the rear window. (Mike)

—It's these damn tight pants nowadays! (Dan)

—Melting gold in their mobile foundry kit, and then spilling it when they tip over the crucible during the molding phase. (Matt)

—David Bowie. (Not his songs. David Bowie is actually sabotaging teen drivers. Nobody knows why.) (Tenessa)

—Arguing about what caterpillar semen might look like. (Matt)

—Helicopter parents following behind in a second car, where they are so focused on making sure their teen doesn't text that they inevitably wind up crashing into them. (Brandon)

—Having to constantly spoon feed their baby dolphin. (Matt)

—Probably the Jews. (Joe)

—Laughing about how clever it was to name their azalea Robert Plant. (Matt)

—The same thing that causes all accidents: one lone bee. (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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