Apr 10, 2015

Last week, HBO aired the documentary Going Clear, an in-depth look at the history of Scientology and its founder, L. Ron Hubbard that included stories from ex-members regarding the abuse and exploitation that they saw and experienced while a part of the church. But the secrets that were revealed didn't stop there...

Little-Known Facts About Scientology Revealed in the New Documentary Going Clear

—Although the church's E-meter doesn't do a damn thing to measure bad thoughts, it is a mighty efficient way to heat up leftover ham. (Jameson)

—This whole time, Barack Obama has only been pretending to be a secret Muslim to distract people from the fact that he's actually a secret Scientologist. (Joe)

—The reward for going clear? A lifetime supply of Crystal Pepsi. (Mike)

—Longtime member John Travolta mistakenly calls EVERYONE Adele Dazeem. (Brandon)

—JFK Jr. really should've learned how to keep his mouth shut. (Matt)

—While most celebrity Scientologists are threatened with ostracism and blackmail when they try to leave the church, they let Jim Belushi walk out the front door, no questions asked. (Jameson)

—Though Galactic Confederacy Ruler Xenu enjoys Xena: Warrior Princess, Xenu does not appreciate "Xenu? Xena. Xena? Xenu." jokes. (Mike)

—Thursdays are salad bar night! (Brandon)

—If the new HBO NOW service tanks, Going Clear will be the scapegoat. (If it's a success, credit will of course go to its convenient access to the entire back catalog of Arli$$.) (Jameson)

—For reasons that are largely left unexplained, when Mickey Mantle died, your chances of attaining any sort of ultimate spiritual peace died with him. (Joe)

—Hubbard wasn't intending to found a religion; he was simply trying to fund his exorbitant addiction to having sex with Stradivarius violins. (Brandon)

—Scientologists save 15% at Red Lobster before 7pm! (Jameson)

—Before going with Scientology, the top name under consideration was Def Leppard. (Brandon)

—Drinking at least 32 oz of water per day will help prevent infections or blockage of the urinary tract. (No, sorry, that's a little-known fact from the pamphlet Going Clear in your doctor's waiting room.) (Jameson)

—None of the contributors to this list were ever seen again. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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