POOP READING
Mar 20, 2015

California has been battling drought conditions for years, and last week, the senior water scientist at the NASA Jet Propulsion lab wrote an op-ed for the L.A. Times claiming that the state has about one year of water left in its reservoirs. If true, this could have far-reaching implications for California, and the United States as a whole...

Ways That Life Will Be Different If California Runs Out of Water

—In lieu of water, doctors will recommend drinking eight glasses of Mr. Pibb a day. (Brandon)

—Since humans are mostly water, California's biggest cash crop will be celebrity water, made entirely from celebrities. (Dan)

—If Jesus ever comes to California, he'll have to find other stuff to walk on and turn into wine. (Joe)

—Season three of Shower Time with Ryan Seacrest will have to go into hiatus. (Jameson)

—Instead of being criticized for being a box office disappointment, the movie Waterworld will be criticized for getting the future completely wrong (well, except for drinking our own distilled urine). (Brandon)

—Canteens will become the hot new accessory. (Dan)

—Within a few months, trendy Manhattanites will also be out of water. And a decade or so later, the fad will hit the middle of the country. (Jameson)

—The famous Los Angeles River culverts will be converted into food troughs filled with delicious Hormel chili. (Brandon)

—If Hollywood becomes a barren wasteland, just think of all the Mad Max movies we'll have coming! (Dan)

—Chinatown II: Two Jakes 2 Furious (Jameson)

—Well, Arizona sure as shit won't have any water left about a month later. Fuck you, Arizona! You're old and you're weak!! (Brandon)

—Powdered wine. (Dan)

—No more nightly sponge baths for the Hollywood sign. (Jameson)

—Water will become currency, and Snickers will become water, and Pete Carroll will become President, and the oceans will be on fire, just as it was written in William Shatner's Delta Search: Quest for Tomorrow! (Brandon)

—Hollywood wannabes will start carrying around bottles full of sand. (Joe)

—Within a matter of hours, Disney's California Adventure Theme Park will become a penal colony. (Brandon)

—Increased sales of Brawndo. (Jameson)

—All breast implants within state lines will be confiscated and the contents will be distilled into a clear, drinkable fluid, thus ensuring the preservation of California's reservoirs for another 375 years. (Brandon)

—If Jesus ever comes to California he'll have to find other stuff to walk on and turn into wine. (Joe)

—Nothing will change, they can just drink the ocean. Duh! (Dan)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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