POOP READING
Feb 6, 2015

A recent outbreak of measles has brought the issue of vaccines back into the headlines, as there are some parents who choose not to vaccinate their children over the myth that vaccines can increase the risk of autism (a debunked claim famously advanced by actress Jenny McCarthy). But that's not the only reason parents decide to skip getting their children inoculated...

Other Reasons Parents Choose Not to Vaccinate Their Kid

—Angling to get on So You Think You Can Start a Typhoid Epidemic? (Jameson)

—Pretty sure their kid is a werewolf, thus rendering a human vaccine pointless. (Brandon)

—They prefer to rely on the warm glow of Mike Huckabee's visage on their televisions to protect them from diseases... and Beyoncé. (Mike)

—Surviving acellular pertussis will give their child something unique to write about in her college application essay. (Matt)

—Eh, ISIS will probably get 'em soon enough anyway. (Joe)

—If it's good enough for the former co-host of MTV's Singled Out, it's good enough for them. (Dan)

—That old saying, "A Red Bull a day keeps diphtheria away." (Matt)

—The whole injection thing feels so invasive—have the vaccines ever thought of asking nicely to enter the child's bloodstream? (Jameson)

—Have been quietly plotting the child's death since the day he was born. (Brandon)

—They'd be depriving their kid of the full Disneyland experience. (Matt)

—It isn't so much that they want their kids to get the measles, it's that they want their kids to give the measles to that shithead Kevin next door. We'll see how great Kevin is when he's covered in measles, Diane! (Mike)

—If Obama wants you to do it, it must be bad for you. (Joe)

—Jesus didn't die on the cross only to have us turn around and keep our children from experiencing the same diseases that ravaged people in the Bible. (Matt)

—Taco Bell's "Free taco if your kid has measles" promotion. (Jameson)

—Prefer to instead inject child with delicious Mountain Dew and barbecue sauce. (Brandon)

—No vaccines means chronic illness, chronic illness means a visit from the Make-a-Wish Foundation, a visit from the Make-a-Wish Foundation means they can finally meet Roger Federer! (Matt)

—Is "horribleness" a reason? (Jameson)

—Too busy reading about what celebrities tell them they shouldn't feed their kid. (Brandon)

—Vaccinating is equivalent to an immune system spanking, and many parents would rather work through disagreements with infectious diseases in a positive, productive way. (Matt)

—They prefer to level the playing field for natural selection. (Jameson)

—Being the parent of Patient Zero is so going to get them on Good Morning America. (Matt)

—Need the adrenaline rush of a serious illness to get their helicopter parent fix on. (Brandon)

—George Washington never got vaccinated, and he became the first President of the United States! (Matt)

—After carefully weighing the scientific research and the careful, responsible reporting that vaccines are safe, they decided: fuck that noise. (Mike)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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