POOP READING
Dec 12, 2014

This week, it was reported that actor Mark Wahlberg filed an application in Massachusetts requesting a full and unconditional pardon from his prior convictions in that state, convictions that stemmed from a couple racially-motivated assaults he committed in his teens. But his youthful indiscretions aren't the only thing Wahlberg would like us to forget...

Other Things Mark Wahlberg Would Like Expunged from His Record

—Failing to stop 9/11. (Joe)

—Those damn lies that it was a prosthetic. (Mike)

—Down Periscope. (He wasn't in it, but he'd rather nobody know he ever watched it.) (Jameson)

—The time he was a presenter at the Oscars and said that the winner of Best Original Score was himself for getting handsy with Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster in Fear. (Brandon)

—Punching Gerald Ford in the groin as a three year-old. (Matt)

—Repeatedly told friends that he thought "The Jay Leno Show" at 10PM ET on NBC would be "ratings gold." (Joe)

—His inability to spell "expunged." (Mike)

—The fact that he always tries to play FARTBOMB in Scrabble. (Jameson)

—Once accidentally "cybered" with a gorilla who was doing a public sign language chat on a webcam. (Joe)

—The two separate times in which he said "I'd hit that" while watching Janet Reno on Meet the Press. (Matt)

—His less successful modeling campaign for Calvin Klein's compression socks designed to prevent phlebitis. (Brandon)

—The dumb bastard predicted a Lions/Browns Super Bowl every year for like 12 straight years. (Joe)

—If by "expunged", you mean jerked off, and by "his record", you mean his penis, then yes, he absolutely wants that done. (Matt)

—That he pisses with the seat down during family holiday gatherings. (Mike)

—Bought that CD where Paula Abdul sings with an animated cat as a gift for three different girlfriends. (Joe)

—More importantly, the thing he doesn't want expunged from his record is the time he expunged that dude's heart from his chest Indiana Jones-style. (Matt)

—That time in second grade when he went on the trampoline after eating too many hot pockets. (Jameson)

—Donnie. (Joe)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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