Nov 21, 2014

This week, it was reported that 80-year-old mass murderer Charles Manson, who is currently serving a life sentence in Corcoran State Prison in California, has obtained a license to marry 26-year-old Afton Elaine "Star" Burton, who has been visiting him in prison since she was 17, and runs several websites alleging his innocence. So... what does Manson hope for in a potential spouse?

Qualities Charles Manson Looks for in a Wife

—Pro-swastika head scar, or at the very least, swastika-head-scar neutral. (Jameson)

—Keeps a sharp knife and rope in her purse at all times. (Tenessa)

—Must be adept at wildly misinterpreting the lyrics to Beatles songs. (Brandon)

—Love of long walks on the beach and ability to talk about said walk in detail, so that someone else can experience the walk secondhand. (Dan)

—An expansive understanding of macroeconomics as it applies to the prison bartering system of toilet paper and cigarettes. (Matt)

—Can be easily talked into murdering people. (Joe)

—Gets along with him, and with most of the voices in his head. (Jameson)

—Must love curling up with a mimosa and an episode of Project Runway. (Brandon)

—Ability to overlook A LOT. (Dan)

—Must be willing to put 'em on the glass. (Joe)

—It's nice if she was born in the same century as him, but he's flexible on that one. (Jameson)

—A little bit country, a little bit rock-and-roll, a little bit murder-y. (Tenessa)

—A full set of teeth, or no teeth at all. Nothing in between. (Matt)

—Not a fellow male inmate. (Dan)

—She wants to start a family—get it??? (Jameson)

—Preferably voted "Most Likely to Get Stabby" in high school. (Brandon)

—Having taken a couple shots at the President with a handgun is a bonus, but not a requirement. (Joe)

—Easily manipulated twenty-something who is looking for a weird kind of quickly-passing fame. (Dan)

—She should feel the same way about John Cusack as he does, which is: really really likes him, but doesn't think about him as often as he used to. (Jameson)

—Must love dogs. Because we're all dogs, my man, just a bunch of dogs slobbering over the bones that the CIA and the Vatican and the DuPont Corporation give us when they're not too busy embedding mind-control chips in between our toes so we won't find them when we're undressing to get ready for love, because love is only natural and our bodies aren't evil, man, our bodies are holy instruments and those who would stand in the way of our love, you dig, should be taken out and shown the error of their ways because otherwise there's no way to live free like we were intended to when the Moon Goddess decreed that we all express the glory of the sanctity of our vision to be true to our holy nature, man. (Joe)

—A willingness to marry Charles Manson. (Matt)

Baron von Contributors: Tenessa Gemelke, Brandon Kruse, Matt Kruse, Dan Lee, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons

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